Adoption Blues

So it's pretty late and I should be asleep by now. I'm tired and aching but I stayed up anyway. Partially, it's because I'm waiting for Zane so we can sleep together. The other part of it was taking the time I had to look up more stuff about adoption and stuff.

Went to a helpful site that told me pretty much everything I had to do and about the families that were willing and capable of adopting. I found two families who live relatively close who I really liked and I thought about filling out some papers Monday maybe.

The families are so hopeful for children and so loving and nice. It made me happy to know that I could make one of them happy and, at the same time, give Marisa a good stable home.

I know adoption would be the way to go. I'm not ready financially to take care of Marisa the way that I want to. I don't want her to struggle.

But maybe it's the pride in me that makes me feel so bad. Knowing that she's my child and having to know for the rest of my life that I couldn't even take care of her myself. That I gave a piece of myself away. I didn't want to get pregnant and I know that I can't handle it right now...but it hurts so bad knowing that some other family will raise her and make her happy and that I couldn't.

She'll grow up and look just like me and be successful and happy and I'll hardly ever get to know her. I won't get to tell her that I love her or know that I made her happy. I won't be there when she cries or when she gets hurt and I won't be there for her birthdays or for Christmas. And even if I am, it's not like she's mine anymore. I could show up and give her a gift or two and maybe spend time with her, but at the end of the day I'm going home without her.

It just hurts so much. I hate this so very much.

Craptastic

So obviously, I'm pregnant and with being pregnant comes the silly little overdose of girly hormones. Usually, it's no big deal since they don't make me feel overly anything for any long period of time. I mean, sure I'm more prone to tears when I see a sad movie or hear a sad sad song...or see something completely and utterly adorable. But for the most part, I'm pretty good.

There are days that I'm not so good though and everything gets to me. I spend the whole day being overly emotional about everything and usually, it's not even "good" emotions. It's more like sad and insecure and less confident and more pessimistic...that whole sit-on-the-couch-with-a-tub-of-ice-cream-crying-like-a-pansy kinda thing.

Today just so happened to be one of those days, unfortunately. I'd go from being overly happy to overly sad in like...two seconds. And eeeeverything made me sad today.

My mom finally called to talk to me about the tension between us and I got pretty happy about that because I was convinced that there was serious beef about me not coughing up money. Apparently, she said that daddy though I made up the story about Auntie Sharon holding my money and that I lied to them because I didn't want to give them any money.

1. Yes, it's true. I didn't want to give them money because I was pregnant and I'd already given them every cent I'd have for the past two years.

2. I don't lie to them. I tell them the truth and they know that.

She said that they figured I was being distant on purpose and not talking to them because I was insulted or something.

1. I called them to talk to them and gave them food that I bought.

2. When I did talk to them, THEY rushed me off.

Sooo at first, I was just happy that it was all a misunderstanding on their part...and I cried happy tears of faggotry.

Later, I started thinking more about it and getting rather pissed off...This is the second time...no...third time they've done this. This is the third time that something has happened and they've assumed the worse of me. That bothers me because EVERY TIME they've EVER assumed anything, they've been wrong.

Instance 1A. Quitting School:

I quit school to work full time for them because they needed more money. Not only that but my GPA dropped drastically when I fell ill and couldn't go to school on a super important day. I decided that I'd go to college after they stopped needing my help (because at the time, they needed sooo much from me). They didn't mention what they thought of this until after I saved Dan.

Instance 1B. Dan:

I had to move to my biological father's house to save Dan and I had to use the car money Carly had given me to do it. When they found out, I got a nasty call from my sister (who had overheard my parents talking) saying how I'd changed and how I care more about animals than about them and how I don't even care about anyone but myself...which is bullshit considering how much I've sacrificed for everyone else...especially my family.

So anyway, my mom and dad were like "You quit college and you're moving away with your biological father. Obviously you don't want anything out of life. You've changed for the worse and we don't like that. You just up and quit college because you don't want to do that anymore and gave up everything". I was so blown away by them saying this and being so negative without knowing the facts that it just hurt. I had to let them know REAL QUICK that I quit for them and that I still wanted to go to college and stuff. Then they were like ":D OOOOH! HERP DERP"

Instance 2. Taylor's Letter:

So Taylor wanted to get back at me for being around Quinton and being happy I wasn't with him or whatever. He writes a letter to my mom saying that I'm doing drugs and sleeping around and blah de blah de blah. I go home and my mother doesn't even THINK to ask my opinion on the matter. She just tells me to pack my bags and leave.

1. Why would you go on the word of some guy you don't even really know? I'm your daughter sooo shouldn't I at least get a say?

2. I've been antidrugs all my life. I've gone as far as dumping out my biological father's beer when I was younger just because I was so against it. Really? Yeah...silliness.

3. If you have a daughter and you have a clue that she may or may not be doing drugs or sleeping around or whatever...why wouldn't you WANT to talk to her? Why wouldn't you want to see if it's true or see if you can help her somehow? I guess this got to me the most. Why wouldn't she just talk to me about it or try to help me if I did happen to be doing drugs?

Later on, they were like ":D Oh...you weren't doing drugs and stuff? Oops?" Yeeaaaah. You guys are great. Admittedly, after all THAT happened and I got kicked out, I was like "What the fuck. Everything ELSE is fucked up so why not try it anyway." But that's a completely different story.

Instance 3. The Money:

And that brings us to the most current one.

Why. The. Fuck...do they keep assuming the worst in me? Have I not proven that doing such things is silly and wrong? Did I just not give enough? I've been a good student and a good daughter to them all my life. I've protected my siblings, cleaned my mother's house and practically gave them every dime I've ever EVER earned. Their lights were saved numerous times because of me. Their truck? I bought it for them. A lot of their clothes? I bought those too. What do I have to do for them to just...I don't know...stop fucking assuming things? It drives me crazy. Like I don't deserve them to actually find out the truth? or to assume that I'm NOT doing something horribly wrong? I think it stresses me out even MORE knowing WHY we haven't been talking.

So all day, I've been fucked up about that. I go and talk with Zane. Of course I don't want to blabber to him about my stressful morning because it's mostly hormonal and it's just...I don't know...silly stuff I don't want to bother him with. But talking to him wasn't so great at first because hormonally I was already screwed up and the poor guy didn't know what he was getting into.

I started getting super insecure about everything. About me and about if I was someone he should be with and even about whether he really did love me and want to be with me. I don't blame him for being surprised when I asked him if he still loved me. I was just so messed up.

As the day progressed, I started thinking that I was feeling better, but in reality, nothing was triggering any emotions really. I guess being severely emotional doesn't go away with an hour or two when you're pregnant. So by the end of the day, I started getting upset with Zane about stupid stuff really. He joked around a little and THAT hurt my feelings even though it shouldn't have. Just...everything was hurting my feelings. When we got off the phone, I was just angry and I didn't even know why. I hate feeling like this. I really do. I don't like crying all the time or constantly feeling bad or worthless or pathetic or shameful or self-conscious or anything.

I just want everything to go away. I'm tired of being pregnant and hormonal and used and judged. I'm tired of just about everything.

The Webcam vs My Current Stresses

So my trip to Mississippi to see Zane were a bust. The car they intended to use had an oil leak and they couldn't get it fixed to come and get me. We'll have to wait another time for the visit and hopefully when he comes down in May, we'll have a nice time to ourselves before my lower region explodes to give birth to Marisa.

That said, we were both pretty upset about not being able to see each other this month. I had everything already packed up and I was so excited to go and so was he. When we realized that we just couldn't do it, we later decided to get webcams so we can at least see each other everyday regardless.

The webcam is fun and it makes me happy being able to see him. It certainly helps me feel a little better considering the trip not going as according to plan. Oh well, things happen and we get through them. I can't help but to smile when I see him over the webcam though. I always get so excited every time we get on. He's just so wonderful.

My biological father was over yesterday since the kids are off for Winter Break. He saw me webcamming with Zane and he (being the intimidating person that he always tries to be) started questioning Zane about what he does and where he works. Zane didn't seem at all put off and answered pretty calmly (which is always a surprise since everyone's pretty intimidated by him). Ron seemed rather pleased with him and that was a major relief. On top of that, Zane likes him which put me at ease (and stopped me from making plans to forever stop Ron from ever being around Zane).

I really do love Zane and I'm so glad he's in my life.

Onto me being stressed out. I mean...I guess it's not really me being stressed out...I guess it's just me being confused and generally upset. I try not to let it show because I don't want Zane to worry about me for no reason.

Well, when Ron came down, obviously Marcus came down to go to Midway with Mommy and Daddy. That would have been fine enough. But then I learn that Mommy and Daddy rode up to Macon just to get Marcus. I live 15 minutes away from them and they don't bother to visit me ever unless they need something.

It just hurts my feelings and as days go by, it hurts more and more. I don't want to call and then feel like they are trying to rush off the phone. Last time I called, that's what it felt like. My mom was like "Ok, you've got stuff for us, we'll pick it up tomorrow. WELL I'LL LET YOU REST NOW." In the morning, mom?! Really?! Back when I used to give them money and stuff, my mom and dad called me all the time to see how I was doing and if I wanted any food or anything. Now it's like, they don't want to do that anymore or don't care to. It hurts my feelings so badly. They know I don't have any japanese rice here and they used to offer to bring me some (along with some dinner). But now that I haven't been showering them with what little money I have...I don't get those calls or offers anymore.

I don't know what's going on but the only thing that has changed from before and now is that I'm not giving them any money or taking them out to eat or buying them clothes or food. I can't afford to. I barely have anything left. It just hurts. It's not fair.

My Psychic Boyfriend? Say wha?

I woke up feeling pretty horrible today. I went to sleep feeling horrible too so waking up like this isn't unexpected at all. I don't really feel like eating anything so all I had was a little cup of yogurt. I'm satisfied with that and I guess I'll just wait to see if my tummy gets better before I eat anything else.

Last night wasn't going so great for me or Zane. His psp broke and his save was corrupted and I just felt like crap and was severely uncomfortable. We laid down together to talk on the phone and we started talking about a lot of things.

Now, it's not surprising to me that Zane does things that completely catch me off guard or scare me (because I swear he's psychic or something @_@;; ). Like, sometimes when I'm dialing his number, I get a text from him riiight at the same time. Or sometimes when I'm thinking of him, he just shows up out of nowhere. Sometimes he talks about things I was thinking about that I didn't mention to him and then I'm like "@____@ WOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAH...."...and then I search for cameras around my house XD.

I love the way we connect and I love how we share the same thought processes for a lot of things. I love how we're just so in sync with each other and how we get each other.

So last night, we start talking about the trip to his house and how much it would cost and stuff. Talked about my online college and about me possibly even moving in with him after I give birth. It would stop us from having to be apart for another year while he finishes college and he'd be able to be with me and Marisa, our daughter.

Of course, I told him that I didn't want to burden him because he has a lot on his plate right now. I didn't want to be another expense that would just cause his life to be harder. But he assured me that everything would be fine and explained it to me in a way that I could easily see and couldn't argue with. I'm so excited about it all, really, because I'd love to spend that much time with him and cuddle with him every night.

And then he asked me about Marisa and whether I planned for sure to keep her or to adopt her. This completely took me off guard. It's funny because I was just thinking about it earlier in the day and that week, weighing the pros and cons and trying to figure out exactly what I was going to do. It surprised me because we hadn't talked about that subject for so long and I assumed he believed we were keeping her.

So when he asked me, I didn't answer right away. I was a little shocked and I just kinda sat there like "@.@ uuuuuuhm...". So he started talking about his view on it and he said "I'm not going to lie, if we give her up for adoption, I'm going to cry. I already love her." And when he said that, I dunno...I just love him so much and hearing him say that made me feel really happy. Happy because he was really in this for everything. I mean, I always knew he was but...I dunno. I guess somewhere deep inside, I thought he wouldn't love her for real because she's not his or because of Quinton or something.

But anyway, he told me that he'd be a little happy and a little sad with both decisions. On one hand, giving her up is probably and most likely better for her since me and Zane aren't financially capable of easily taking care of her without her having to struggle. It would hurt because we love her and she's ours but we know it's for the better. Additionally, it would allow me and Zane to actually prepare for our future together. On the other hand, we're emotionally ready and physically (except for my exploding vagina T.T) ready to have her and we were looking forward to her coming. I've got a stroller and parts to a crib already sitting in my house. Keeping her would be wonderful and we'd be great parents to her. But working toward our future would be harder and we'd struggle a lot and I don't want there to be a lot of struggling in her life. I want us to be prepared and for Marisa to have a stable, well-suited environment for her to grow in.

I told him I was leaning more toward giving her up but to include her in our plans anyway just in case I change my mind at the very last minute. I mean, it might happen...she IS ripping apart half my body and I miiight just be too attached to her to let go. I mean honestly, how many times are you going to let something explode out of your body and NOT wanna hunt it down? I mean it only happens with a baby. If anything else came out, like a chestburster, I'd hunt it down...I'm just saying.

"I'm at peace with it..."

So my ex-boyfriend calls me today to ask how I'm doing and blah de blah. He's the guy who got me pregnant against my wishes, by the way. So anyway, he calls and we talk for a bit about random things and things I could really care less about.

Eventually, our conversation morphs into how bad of a boyfriend he was and how he shouldn't have forced me to do things I didn't want to do. He admitted he was horrible and stupid and selfish and inconsiderate as well as pushy...and then he said the stupidest thing that people like him could ever say....

"I'm at peace with everything I did though."

Really? Reeaaally? YOU'RE at peace with everything YOU did? Well, I'm so glad that you're at peace considering you weren't the one who suffered through anything. I'm glad you're at peace despite causing the whole situation. Here's why hearing that from people like him gets on my nerves and makes my blood boil.

So let's say I cut off your arm. You're pissed, naturally, and you're still upset about it although you're trying to move on. I come up to you and start talking about the day I did it and then I just go "I'm at peace with what I did though so it's cool". At that point, you're probably looking at me like "Bitch, gtfo."

The problem with people who cause damage to other people saying this is...you did something horrible that effected other people's lives. You changed the way they lived or thought or did things or felt and you were a horrible person to them. THEY suffered because of your actions and if you truly felt sorry, you would never be at peace with what you did. Being at peace with what you did is like saying "I forgive myself for being a dick to you" or "I don't feel like what I did was bad anymore."

Even to a victim who got over it, hearing those words from the person who hurt them is the shittiest thing ever. The person who should be capable of being at peace at all with what happened should be the victim. NOT the person who was a selfish mean jerk.

If I cut off your arm, yeah I would feel bad about it. We might move on like it never happened and you might actually forgive me...but when I think back to it, I'm not going to be like "I'm at peace with what I did" because the fact remains that I did something horrible to you that hurt you. I should never feel good about that. I should always be like "Man...I really shouldn't have done that. I was such a bitch back then." You can say "I'm a different person now" but don't EVER EVER fix your stupid mouth to say that you're at peace with something you did wrong to someone. ESPECIALLY if they're still paying for YOUR actions.

My biological father said that once to me about the things that happened when I was younger. He said "I'm at peace with it now," and it fucked me up inside to think that he didn't even feel bad when I was there STILL hurting inside from things that happened when I was barely out of my single digits.

Even I've done things to people when I was younger that I regret, like to my siblings and sometimes to the friends I had. They were horrible things that I shouldn't have ever done and when I look back at it now, I don't think "I'm at peace with it now. It happened so long ago." No. I think "=/ I was SUCH a bitch. I'm so glad I'm not like that anymore." People who feel fine with what they did to others even though they KNOW it was so horribly wrong make me sick to my stomach. Just THINKING about me being at peace with doing wrong to people makes me feel sick.

Don't you EVER say that. You don't deserve the right to feel at peace with what you did. What you did will NEVER disappear and the MOST you can do is say you're sorry and try to move on and become the type of person who will never do it again. But don't you DARE say you're at peace with it. Don't. You. Dare.

Troubled Thoughts

I should be doing homework right now since everything for the week is due tomorrow, but I have a lot of things on my mind that I want to get out. I'm pretty sure that it's all just silly banter due to my excess of hormones but since I can't get rid of those hormones (for obvious reasons), there's no sense in ignoring my crazy worries just yet.

My Family:

Yeah, I'm still stressing out about it. Well, I wouldn't call it stressing out, per se...but I am thinking about it and it does bother me. Usually (and especially right after giving them money), they call me to check up on me, bring me some of the dinner they've made, and sometimes invite me over or see when I can make it down to them.

Since denying them money the last time they asked (because the money really wasn't in my hands), they haven't actually contacted me for anything (except for when Mylette needed to do her project). They don't call to see how I'm doing, they don't offer me some of their dinner anymore, and they don't ask when I can come over.

It hurts a lot. I feel like I'm not even really a part of the family anymore. And it hurts because, yeah, there are things they can do for me right now that would help. Sometimes, just having someone call to check up on me or to ask about what's going on would help a lot. I feel like they're upset with me or disappointed that I couldn't give them all my money again.

It makes me so upset and it makes me so angry. Why can't they act the same with or without me giving them a fuck load of money? I need money too and maybe they've just forgotten about that part. I understand more than anyone that they need help and I've tried all I could for YEARS to help them by giving them everything I had and by giving up everything I wanted. They were constantly holding me back, even if they didn't realize it. I tried so hard to take on their burdens but in the end, I still end up feeling like no one appreciates it or even realizes everything I sacrificed to give them what they wanted.

I could have had a car by now. Could have actually had a savings account. Could have bought myself more food or clothes or been in my own place with a few roommates or my own phone (instead of having to let Mitzy's mom help me) or a whole number of things. It's not like I couldn't survive with the jobs I've had. It's the fact that every dime I had went to them (or to my greedy boyfriend at the time...but that's an entirely different story). I got them the truck they're using. I'm the one who helped them keep their lights on numerous times. I bought them clothes. I gave them a Christmas. I gave my mom a birthday she actually wanted. I did all of that and more for them with the funds I had. Until I had nothing.

I didn't ask for anything in return. I didn't even show them how much it hurt to work so hard and never see a dime actually go to myself. Yes, it did hurt to buy my dad a present I thought he'd enjoy, and then hear from my mom that he commented saying "She should have given me money instead". Yeah, it hurts that I went the thoughtful route and still ended up getting burned. It hurts. It hurts because I don't have a thing and it's all because I put my all into helping them.

They promise to pay me back and they never do. Or they pay me back a small portion and then borrow that back the next day. I don't expect them to pay back money when I give them it...but if you SAY you're going to do it, then yes, I do expect it. There's not even so much as an apology when I don't get any money back. No apology at all. No "Well sorry, I thought I was getting some money today but I didn't so I'll have to pay you back a little later,". No. Nothing. And you guys have the audacity to get angry at other people for not paying YOU back when they say they will? And not apologizing to you for not paying you back? Really? You have such nerves? What, because I'm family, I don't deserve the same respect that you demand from others?

It just makes me angry every time I think about it. If I'm only included into the family when I can turn my pockets inside out and give you all the contents, then I'd rather not be included at all. That's not what family is about. It just breaks my heart. It really just does.

My Baby:

I'm in my sixth month now, pretty much. Things are going well, I think. I mean, I dunno. She's kicking so she's alive, right? Every time I visit the doctor, she says I'm good and the baby is healthy and stuff so I'm glad about that. I was trying to eat healthy for a while and stayed on the whole fruits and fiber and whole grains thing until...well...I ran out of the food and I don't have the money to go replenish it (because healthy stuff costs money, yo). So I have to wait to use my free wic voucher that will give me more fruits and stuff...which will be...at the end of this month, unfortunately. It's back to unhealthy food for me =/.

But that's not the only thing that's got me a little down. I mean, eating my fruits with yogurt actually felt good in the morning (since I'm not really that hungry at breakfast time). It's just, now, there's a lack of food. There's only junk...and...well...junk. Not that I mind but...junk isn't all that fulfilling...

But anyway, it's not even all about the food. I'm still thinking about giving my baby up for adoption for multiple reasons. I just haven't told everyone because I'm scared and plus, I don't really know what I'm going to be doing for sure yet.

One the "Adopt Your Baby" side of my mind, I know that I'm not ready for this. I'm not ready to have this child and I can't actually provide for it. I don't have any funds or savings and I don't even have my own place or a job. I'm just not ready. I've taken full responsibility for my actions by not getting an abortion, which to me, is really the only way to escape it. I mean, my vagina is still exploding to bring life into this world so I'm not dodging any responsibility here.

Giving her up for adoption isn't dodging responsibility. In fact, it's me taking more responsibility. This isn't about me having to raise her because it's my punishment for what I did because no child should be just "a punishment" to her mom (or dad...or both). This is another human being and I want her to grow up in the best possible conditions. This? The condition I'm in? It's not really suitable for a child. I don't have enough to make her life completely comfortable or to get her the things that I need. I'd have to depend (heavily) on everyone else to help me. I'm just not ready and my situation isn't favorable to, say, a couple looking for a child who DO make enough money with their own house and everything prepared for a little baby.

It's not about me thinking I'd fail as a mother. It's about me knowing that I don't have enough to provide for another living being.

On the "Nooo, keep her, you bitch" side, I'd feel guilty if I do give her up. Not because I feel like I'm being selfish or dodging responsibility or anything, but more because I think everyone else will view me that way. They're going to think "She did the deed and now she's running away from her job" or something and, quite frankly, they don't understand anything anyway. I don't mind struggling, I'm used to it. But if I can help it, I'm not going to let an innocent baby have to grow up struggling too. For what? Because I'm too selfish and too naive to realize that she could have done better in someone else's arms? I don't think so.

Another thing is, she's part of my family's family. She's my biological father's granddaughter and my brother's niece. She's my mom's granddaughter and so on and so forth. I feel like they'll be upset with me because I'm taking a part of them away. Honestly, I do feel bad about that because I generally think more about everyone else's feelings than my own. But really...I can't keep doing that. It'll tear me apart.

The fact of the matter is, yes, she is a part of their family. They are connected to her. But at the end of the day, I'm the one who's going to be taking care of her and having to struggle to make ends meet for her. I'm the one, not them. Yeah, she's part of their family but they're not the ones who are going to raise her. I am. She's more mine than she is theirs. And so their feelings about it should matter little because they aren't going to be the ones crying at night because they can't provide for their child.

Another thing is, Zane seems genuinely excited for her and the way he talks about things involving her makes me smile and just imagine us like a small family that we will be. It warms my heart because I know he'll be there for me and for her and that I'll be safe with him. Even knowing that whatever fun he could have been having would be cut short because he'll be a daddy soon, he's still so cheerful about it and he anticipates her coming. And I'm glad that he's so supportive and that he hasn't left me because I'm pregnant.

Which makes deciding even harder. I want to keep her, I really do...but I can't afford to. I want to give her up so she'll grow up better...but I can't help but to feel like I shouldn't because of her ties to me and my family. So I've been struggling with trying to decide for one or the other but it's been so hard and I just end up back in the middle of the road again. I don't know what to do and I don't know what I will do. Not knowing just makes me frustrated.

My Friends:

This isn't a big one, but it's still there. I've backed away from a lot of friends because I hate being talked badly about and I can already hear the rumors about me. A lot of people don't talk to me anymore because I'm pregnant and the ones that still do talk to me don't know I'm pregnant, or they're Carlos and Mitzy. I miss having friends. Sometimes I hear about Zane with his friends and I just smile and giggle because that's how I am with my friends. And then I get a little sad that I don't have that anymore. I mean, of course Zane is my friend and my lover, but I don't really have anyone else. I stay in the house most of the time and only leave in the early morning and only once a week (or every two weeks). I see no one and talk to no one and I feel lonely...and boring...and like no one wants to hang out with me. I don't like that feeling and I wish it were different...but I'm preggerz soooo, yeah.

My Trip:

It's the trip I'd been looking forward to despite being paranoid about the bus ride over. It's the trip to see Zane this month. We'd talked about it and he'd decided that he didn't want me on the bus despite knowing that I'd do it for him. He was trying to see if he could pick me up and then I could be there for a little while and snuggle with him before I needed to come back.

Seems like each day is just another day that something goes wrong and I can't go over or it's been postponed. It makes me sad because I really did want to see him and be in his arms. I'm just so upset that I'm not financially capable of being able to initiate and do everything myself. And now that it's already the 11th, the time I would be able to spend with him is dramatically shorter. Now, I'm not even sure if I can go and all our plans are falling apart. It hurts me because I wanted it so badly and then it hurts me more because it hurts Zane. I just want our plans to work out and for us to be able to spend more time together. Together together.

An Accident

Yesterday, we got a phone call from Joy, my stepmother in Atlanta (or Marietta to be more precise). Me and my aunt huddled around the phone in curiosity as my grandma tried to decipher exactly what Joy was telling her. Joy has a tendency to be loud and all over the place with her explanations.

By the end of that phone call, I could tell that my grandma was a little upset. When she got off the phone, she turned around and told us that she didn't know any details but my biological father and my brother had been in a car accident.

My aunt was calm, almost as if the most depressing news would be nothing to her. On the other hand, I could feel the muscles in my stomach and shoulders tense as I waited for more details. My aunt seemed to read my face and told me not to stress and I assured her that I wasn't stressing at all.

But I was and for multiple reasons.

First of all, he's my brother and I was closest to him growing up. He's two years and two days younger than me and I spent a lot of my childhood protecting him from the neighborhood we were in and from stupid bullies. It was always my job to protect my little siblings and now that he's so far away, I feel useless whenever he gets into some kind of trouble because I can't rush to his rescue (not that he needs it now).

Secondly, last year, my friend Bryan Roman died in a car accident (I think in October). He was driving and a drunk soldier plowed into his car, ignoring the stop sign he should have stopped at, and caused Bryan's car to flip over numerous times before it landed on its roof. The paramedics say he died at the scene. The report says that the entire accident wasn't Bryan's fault...but we all knew that anyway. And Bryan had been such a great friend and such a great person and it angered and upset me so much that he died like that. He had so many dreams and so much potential.

After that, I had been a little paranoid about driving for a while. I mean, now I'm fine with driving, but I have my moments where I end up saying a little prayer because I remember Bryan's accident and feel I need some heavenly comfort.

But to hear that my brother was in an accident and not know exactly what happened? That was almost devastating and I couldn't help but to internally panic. I didn't want him to die. I didn't want him to be overly hurt (or hurt at all really).

Later on, we got another phone call saying that the car had been hit on the driver's side and that Ron, my biological father, was driving and Marcus was in the passenger's seat. That was pretty much all we knew and both of them were taken to the hospital. I felt slightly better, but not much. Just because he wasn't on the side that got hit didn't mean that he didn't have an injury or two anyway.

I played some League of Legends to take my mind off of it for a while. My stressing and panicking wasn't helping me out in the slightest, and in fact, it was making me sick to my stomach.

By the time I got a call from my brother, I had calmed down considerably. He called to banter about how they crashed into "his" car and how he was going to get them for it and I couldn't help but to laugh at his silly priorities. He assured me he was fine. His leg had hit the dashboard and the rear view mirror that had fallen had hit him in the head. Besides that, he was fine. Ron on the other hand, no one's sure about yet but he isn't hurt too badly either, all things considered.

Marcus told me that they were going to Little Caesar's and someone in the lane beside them decided to make an illegal right turn...right into their car. The other car then took off (supposedly because they didn't have a driver's license). They were eventually caught, I think. And thank goodness.

I hate illegal drivers that end up hurting people. You'd think they'd be more careful knowing that they aren't supposed to be driving. People greatly disappoint me.

But my brother and biological father are safe...and I'm severely happy about that.

My Crazy Mind

I guess I can admit that I'm a person who's scared to try new things. I'm not talking about trying a new dish or attempting to bake a cake from scratch for the first time in my life. I mean new things liiiike skydiving, or riding a ferris wheel, or camping in the middle of nowhere with nothing but a tent and a few supplies.

I mean, I can do those things if I did it with someone else. I don't like doing things that could end up badly by myself because I end up feeling vulnerable and severely paranoid. My mind tends to wander into the worse case scenarios of the situation in front of me and then I start to panic thinking that something will most definitely go wrong. Especially because it's me.

Any day now, I'm going to be subjected myself to riding on a bus that will take me across the state of Alabama to take me to my wonderful boyfriend so that I can spend a few weeks with him. Now, I've never ridden a bus like that before. In fact, I've never ridden a city bus either. I've only ever ridden a school bus, and even then I was riding with people I knew.

I'll be on this bus for about 15-17 hours with three breaks where I'll have to switch buses and so on. I'll be riding alone on a bus full of strangers to places I've never known. I'll have to switch buses in cities I'm not familiar with and people whose intentions (which I'm sure don't revolve around me) are unknown.

Yes, I am paranoid and yes, the idea of riding on this bus for so long to places unknown and with complete and utter strangers terrifies me. Normally, I wouldn't even consider doing it unless I had a friend or two riding with me ( because then at least I won't go down alone?). This time is different, however, because I want to spend time with Zane. I just have to force myself to go through with it and then I can stay with him for a while before I need to bus back again.

And I will do it. I know I will. But I can't stop my mind from all the "What if" questions that terrify me from doing a lot of other things. For skydiving, it'd be "What if my parachute won't open?" or "What if I land in the wrong area and then I get hurt?" or "What if I panic and forget what to do and start spiraling downward at a rate too fast for anyone to save me and then I SPLATTER ONTO THE CONCRETE IN A GOREY MESS?!?!?!"

For riding Ferris wheels, it'd be "What if something goes wrong and the bolts aren't screwed in tight?" or "What if it stops in midair and they have to do maintenance to get it running again?" or "What if it unrails and then ROLLS INTO THE STREETS OF THE CITY KILLING TONS OF PEOPLE, NOT TO MENTION THOSE RIDING IT?!?!?!"

For riding the bus for more than half a day, it's "What if someone tries to mug me and ends up badly injuring me?" and "What if I take the wrong bus and end up at the wrong place with no money to get back?" and "What if, as I'm exiting the bus to wander around and wait for my next bus, some kind of fight breaks out in the city and I get hit by a stray bullet?" and "What if I accidentally trip and fall off the bus, smashing into the ground stomach first and end up miscarrying and then having no idea how to get to the hospital because I don't know the area?" and "WHAT IF I GET KIDNAPPED AND TORTURED AND GET LOCKED UP FOR YEARS WITHOUT ANYONE KNOWING WHAT HAPPENED?!" and "What if I get shanked on the bus by some crazy person...OR SHANKED AT ALL!?" and "What if the family I just got acquainted with turns out to be CANNIBALS and decide to RIP ME APART AT ONE OF THE STOPS FOR A SNACK!?!?"

Ok, so I'm paranoid. Maybe overly so. But I can't help it, really. I've always been a bit paranoid about certain things. I don't trust strangers and I don't trust bus drivers or taxi drivers.

But like I said, I'll do it just to be with Zane. I'll try my best to sit on that bus and not look like I'm completely and utterly terrified that I'm alone and pregnant and vulnerable and stuffies. I'll do it because I love him and I want so much to be in his arms.

I wouldn't be doing this for anyone else really.

Just Zane. See how much I love him?

Okaaaasan. Nani shiteru?

I love my mother, I really do. Before yesterday, I hadn't talked to her in quite a while. For some reason, I keep getting this feeling that the only time I really hear from them is when they need my help. The last time she called, it was to ask if Mylette, my sister, could come over and do her project. Since then, I hadn't heard from her at all.

Before that point, they called to ask me about lending them some money. And I'm sure if I go back more, I'll find that 90% of the time, they only call when they need something. Of course, our conversations revolve around how I'm doing and what's going on...but the fact of the matter is...the whole point in them calling is to see if I can assist them.

Now, maybe I'm wrong to be hurt inside. Maybe I'm just looking too deep into things. I called my mommy yesterday to see what she was up to and because I bought some ox tail for her from the commissary. We talked for about five minutes while she asked me how I was and blah de blah. And then she mentioned talking to my brother Marcus everyday or every other day and my heart sank.

I don't want to be the most loved and I'm sure my mom and dad loves us all equally...but it still hurts to think that I rarely talk to them and yet she talks to him so often. Then again, he usually calls her.

Maybe I should put more effort into staying in contact. I dunno. I just feel so bad that I get happy when they DO call...and yet they only call when they need something. I only call them when I have something to give them or wonder how they're doing.

Anyway, my mom came to the house today with my sister in the car and I handed her some milk, a box of healthy cereal (she loves it), and the ox tails. We spoke for about three minutes before she said she was going to go. My sister didn't even say hello at all. As they pulled away, I smiled and waved enthusiastically, but I could hear the distinctive sound of my heart breaking as I watched them disappear.

Dragging myself back into the house, I couldn't help but to think about it all day. Her and Marcus talk forever on the phone. I call and my mom gives me five minutes before leaving. Maybe it wouldn't hurt so bad if I hadn't done everything in my power to help them for years. All the money I could have saved and all the things I sacrificed just to help them keep their lights on...and it seems like they don't even remember. Like it's my job anyway to do it.

And it's not. As much as I feel inside that I should help as much as I can, I can't deny that I've overdone it for so long. All the money I ever made or had, I would give to them without hesitation and I'd never have anything for myself. All the promises of paying me back and never fulfilling them and I never once complained or confronted them about it. All the things I bought them just to make their lives just a little brighter.

And I feel like it's all for nothing. Like I did nothing at all. Sometimes I wonder if I just made up the entire thing.

Then again, I'm pregnant with girly emotions and such. Maybe I'm overreacting. But it just hurts my feelings. Mommy used to talk to me all the time. Now it's like she doesn't have time for me. I bet if I told them I had a job, they'd call me quite frequently.

Maybe they don't understand how I feel. Maybe they just don't think about how everything is effecting me. And that's ok, I guess. They're going through a lot of things and having to take care of bills and stuff. I just never wanted to be with my mom and feel like I was wasting her time or something.

And that's how I feel about it right now. Like I'm just wasting their time if I have nothing to offer.

Or maybe they're just ashamed of me because I'm pregnant...who knows...

You Are What You Eat

Woke up looking like a complete mess this morning. I still wanted to turn over in bed and hide under the covers at 10:00am buuuuut my body kept telling me to get up. So here I am. Just ate a bowl of bananas and strawberries with some peach yogurt.

I'm trying to eat healthier because I know that how I eat will effect the baby. Plus, eating healthier is...well...healthier for me. I do feel better during the day when I eat lots of fruits and veggies (and even that whole wheat bread). At night, however, I find it super hard to just eat healthy and I tend to start stuffing myself full of sugary cereal or overeat dinner or something. It's a hard adjustment for me since I've never really eaten lots of fruits and whole grains. Veggies, I'm used to. I grew up on them and I love them. Living with my aunt, however, cuts back on the veggies I used to eat since...they don't eat veggies all that often.

Soooo, here's to attempting again to manage what I eat and how much I eat. I think it really makes a difference by the end of the day. What I eat and how much I stuff in my face can lead to a good night without waking up feeling sick to my stomach or a bad night filled with much more tossing and turning and waking up feeling like I got hit by a train.

~That Bright Light~

Sometimes it still amazes me how wonderful Zane is. He's so sweet and romantic all of the time and I've never been with anyone like that before. He makes me feel so good and so confident in myself and I'm just so glad that we're together.

One of my old friends had a little trouble in her relationship with her boyfriend recently. She's stuck with a no good guy who does the stupidest things. It's like no matter how she tries, he just keeps being a pig-headed jerk to her. He makes her cry all the time and I'm so sick of him.

I don't have to worry about silliness like that though because my relationship is nothing like that and thank buddha. Zane's such a sweetheart and I'm proud to do anything it takes to keep him happy.

I'm supposed to be seeing him sometime this month and I'm super excited about it! I'll be staying with him for a few weeks hopefully before I need to come back for my doctor's appointment. And then he'll make it in May to be there with me when I give birth to our baby girl and to hopefully spend time with me afterward for a little while.

My struggles and the pain from my past. All the hardships I've ever overcome. All the people I've had to put up with to get to this point. He makes it worth it. He makes it sooo worth it and I hardly even remember the damage done to me by others because I'm with him now. Why live in the past where everything was dark and hopeless when I have such a bright light right here and now?