Sometimes, The Glass is Just Empty

About two nights ago, Quinton messaged me on facebook and we started talking. Now, I was already having a pretty bad day as it was, but I talked to him to be nice. After all, he hadn't done anything wrong since going to Kansas and then returning (except for continuously bothering me about how he has undying love for me and blah de blah). We started hitting territory that I felt pretty strongly about and I'm no where near the weak fragile girl I used to be. I'm not lonely and useless and someone to completely walk all over anymore, so when he started talking like an idiot, I wasn't about to sit there and nod my head like I agreed.

The thing about Quinton is, he's very very confused about what's right and what's wrong. Sure, he can detect it if someone else is doing it, but if it's him doing it, he completely loses all sight of him ever being able to do wrong. We talked about him making me have sex with him when I didn't want to and how no means no and he pretty much went on about how it's not really wrong and suuure he knew I didn't want it but meeeeh. Then later, he tried to make it seem like you couldn't possibly make a woman have sex if she didn't want to so, by that logic, he never did it with me when I didn't want to. The times I struggled trying to push him off and yelling no? Nope, that totally doesn't mean that I didn't want it.

And that just pissed me off. I hate it when someone does something wrong and just won't admit they fucked up. To me, I find it extremely disrespectful. The least I deserve is an apology. I don't deserve to sit here and listen to you talk about how having sex with people who don't want it isn't bad if they're adults. I don't want to listen to you talk about how impregnating women on purpose to force them to stay with you forever is ok as long as you love them regardless of what they feel.

Truth of the matter is, I've never really felt comfortable around Quinton. Especially after I left him when he started going haywire and threatened to kill me and Marisa. Quite frankly, I wouldn't put it past him. He's extremely unstable emotionally. He's done ridiculously stupid things for reasons he's not even sure of. I mean, he was in jail as a kid and then, about half a year ago, he almost went to jail again for attempting to taser a kid for fun. The kid was only 13 years old and he thought it'd be a good idea?

Sometimes, I'm worried that he'll go crazy and try to break into my house and kill me or something. I'm scared to be anywhere around him alone. I'd never admit it though because honestly, I don't like to ever let someone think that I'm weak or vulnerable or something. But the fact of the matter is, if he wanted to, he could kill me and there wouldn't be a thing I could do about it unless I was equipped with a weapon.

And maybe that's why I'm slightly perturbed with Zane being a little buddy buddy with Quinton. He talked to him and asked him to leave me alone for a while and give me space which I guess was a nice gesture. But the fact that he might be friends with him, or ok with him seeing me or Marisa disturbs me.

He even joked about letting him come take care of Marisa when I joked about joining the army to do a silly civilian job for tons of money and bonuses. I know it was only a joke but to hear him say it left me uncomfortable anyway.

Maybe I'm just over analyzing everything but I've just felt more distant from everyone since the whole thing over facebook with Quinton and then the fight with Zane. I believe Zane when he says that everything is going to be ok but there's a small part of me that believes he's going to leave me soon. Leave all the drama I'm wrapped up in and all the burden I am to him for someone better with a cleaner past and not much on their shoulders.

Honestly, I'd probably leave me too.