Pretty Tephies :3

All done with my hair and make-up, although I don't think pink is a good lip color for me. That's okie dokie though. I still think I look amazing and although it's still raining, I already feel good. I'm not that awesome at curling hair and at the time I took the picture, the curls were already falling out. My hair's just too long and heavy for them, I think.

And I'm not that great with make-up either buuuuut hey, at least it makes me feel prettiful.



...I'm totally not narcissistic...I mean...it's not like I took a bajillion pictures...



...ok, maybe I did...shhhhhh.

Nightmares

I think it was the first night I went to sleep intentionally without Zane. Either that, or I went to bed knowing he wouldn't call me to be with me during the night. I made myself lay down at about 11 because I honestly thought I felt tired but I didn't actually get any sleeping done until 3am, maybe even 4. The only meal I had yesterday was mac-n-cheese and it was only a little bit because I just haven't been feeling all that hungry, so at about 2am, I couldn't feel comfortable at all because I was feeling a little starved.

So I had to get up and eat a sandwich just to get to bed, and even then it took me a while. I'd like to think it was just because I was hungry and hadn't eaten but I know that's only half the reason really. I have a hard time sleeping without hearing Zane's voice, and to know that he's probably still upset with me made it that much worse.

When I finally did get to sleep, I had nightmares again, which is typical for a night without him. The first nightmare had me waking up feeling like I was about to burst into tears and I almost reached for my phone to call Zane and apologize to him, begging him to hold me while I tried to sleep again. That's when I remembered that I'm supposed to be less needy and take care of myself, so instead, I settled for checking the time, going to the bathroom, and then curling back up in bed and forcing myself to go back to sleep.

And so I slept, greeted by another nightmare that, once again, woke me up. This time, I woke up to the sound of rain, and although I felt like crying again, I didn't. Maybe it was because I was slightly startled by how hard it was raining outside or maybe it was because of the loud dump truck roaming down the street.

I checked my phone and told myself it was for the time, but really, it was to see if I had maybe missed a text from Zane. I hadn't. He hadn't contacted me at all. As much as I had already expected that...there's still a part of me that was severely surprised and even hurt.

It's 9:30am now and I don't think I have the energy to make myself sleep anymore. I've already dedicated the morning to curling my hair and maybe wearing some make-up to make myself feel pretty and forcing the day to go right.

No One Wants A Needy Girl; Bring Me My Horse

No one wants a needy girl. A lot of guys say they do and say that's what they want, but I hardly think it's true. For one, all the guys I've been with have claimed this but don't really know how to go about caring for a needy girl, really.

But with me, I'm a needy girl but I'm also very big on the whole "more about you than me" thing so it's easier to deal with me. Plus, my whole "doesn't take much to please me" thing is a big help for them as well.

What I've learned is, even with all that, even with me being needy yet extremely caring for the one I'm with...even with me being low-maintenance in comparison to other needy people, my neediness gets in the way.

Most guys think they'd love a girl to depend on them and to need them constantly and so on and so forth, buuuut they really don't. Most just can't handle it or don't know how to. That's fine, really. But it's taught me something.

I can't be as needy as I am anymore. I can't do it. I can't let myself be dependent on the one I'm with to make me feel better or anything. I can't be needy like this. There's really only two things I can do to get a better response and that's to A. Be more needy and ditch the whole "more about you than me" thing (which would inevitably change the "doesn't take much to please me" aspect) or B. Not be needy (which would help the "more about you than me" and "doesn't take much to please me" aspects).

And the better of the two is B, obviously. I have to be my own white knight. I have to save myself and to help myself feel better when I'm down. I can't rely on Zane to do it for me even though I'm sure he wouldn't mind. Truth is, he has too many people he's knighting for and because I care more about him and don't need much, I find myself on the back burner out of all those people.

If I'm hurt and it's down to me or Adam, for instance, I'm not going to fool myself into thinking he's going to take care of me over Adam. I've got to be there for myself so that it wouldn't matter if he does take care of Adam and then we all win.

If I do this, everything would go so much better. And so I have to do this. I have to learn and I will. I'll get better and I'll ride a horse and save myself when I need it.

In the end, everything will be so much better.

This "Thing" With Adam

So my boyfriend has this best friend named Adam. They're pretty much gay lovers, honestly. Might as well be, at least. I'm fine with it, really. I'm not going to take away Zane's best friend from him because that's just silly. Besides, Adam is a pretty cool guy, for the most part. They play games together and joke around together like any bro-couple would. And all of that is fine.

I don't even mind that he spends a lot of time playing and talking with Adam as opposed to me. I don't mind that he'll run off to comfort Adam if he's having a bad day. I don't even mind much when I haven't seen or talked to Zane all day and he starts playing League of Legends with Adam. It doesn't bother me much, it really doesn't. At the end of the day, he's going to fall asleep with me and I have no doubts that he loves me.

I do have a problem, however, with the lack of respect that I've been noticing from Adam towards Zane at times. Oh, you want me to play this game, Zane? PSH, nope. Wouldn't even try it for you despite you trying all the games I want you to.

The problem I have with that particular situation isn't that big, though. I mean, yeah, he sucks because he won't even try a game Zane wants him to although Zane tries all the games he wants him to. And yeah, it bothers me that he'll probably bitch at Zane if he doesn't. Honestly though, it isn't thaaaat much of a deal.

It does make me feel like Adam cares more about himself than he does for Zane. Of course, if Zane's having a bad day, Adam is there to play games with him or whatever. But when it boils down to it, Adam is more self-centered in the relationship than Zane. Today, for example, Adam texts Zane pretty much telling Zane that he needs him to cut class and come home as soon as possible because something's going on or whatever. Zane, like the bro he is and figuring something is super wrong, cuts class and comes home. Now, I don't know all of the specifics because, well, Zane's a bro and if Adam doesn't want him telling anyone, he wouldn't; however, I dooo know that whatever it was could have waited.

Carlos and Maritza are two of my most best friends and have been for years now. If either of them texted me telling me they needed me to cut class asap, I would do it because I know it would be something severely important that couldn't wait. Liiike, I dunno, one of them got into a car crash and was at the hospital or something. Definitely, I'd be there for them. If they texted me and was like "I need someone to talk to" I'd tell them to keep texting me and we'll talk about it.

But if I'm in class, getting money from the school for making good grades and passing (which happens when I gooo to class and do my work), and knowing full well that I need that money coming to me for various reasons, I'm not about to leave class and be happy with you if you come to me with something that could have waited.

Trapped in a house with a bomb? Sure, text me, I'll be there to try to help.
One of my friends are in a life or death situation? Sure, I'll be there.
You lose an arm? Sure, I'm on my way.

But if you're going to text me about something and make it seem severely important...and I come home and realize that it could have waited a feeeew more hours until I got home? I'm going to be pissed.

School's very important and right now, Zane has to go to classes. It's easier for me to put aside my class because it's online and nothing is ever due until Saturday anyway. But for him, he has specific deadlines and specific times he has to go to class and get stuff done. So when Zane ditches to go talk to his friend and his friend is pretty much not dying or hurt or anything? Yeah, that kinda pisses me off.

Especially when Zane sees nothing wrong with this.

Here's why.

I know that Zane's a white knight for nearly all his friends. I get that. He'll ditch everything to help someone out, sure. But he can't keep doing this and people need to learn when is a good time to bother him with something and make him ditch for them.

Bitching about stuff, if it's not life or death or you being injured pretty bad, isn't a reason to have him ditch important things.

Because I'm sure if Zane was working a job and Adam texted him like today, he'd still go running. And to thiiink that it would most likely happen upsets me. It upsets me because other people knooow he'll do it and they'll encourage him to do so by telling them they need him when they could have waited.

For one day, I'd like to see them shut the fuck up and wait patiently instead of freaking out like the world is going to end. What, I don't have problems? I don't ever think "Man, I wish Zane was here because I'd feel so much better"? Of course I do, but I don't go pulling him away from things that are important because I can survive it until he gets back, or until he's not busy.

And the thing that pisses me off even more is Zane will sit there and defend them. Defend their reasoning for pulling him out of something important. For not having the decency and respect to think "I feel pretty shitty right now and don't know what to do...but Zane is busy with something important right now so I'll just wait til he gets home."

And then to get mad at ME for actually caring about the important things in his life? There were times I felt like shit and I've seen him go off to help Adam because Adam felt like shit opposed to staying with me and you didn't see me slitting my wrists or anything. But this is just stupid. I understand him and his undying faithfulness to Adam...but cooome oooon.

It just pisses me off that Adam can't even deal without Zane for an hour or two and feels it's ok to force Zane to come home and comfort him immediately...What? Like Adam is the only one who matters?

I felt like shit all fucking day and you didn't hear about me texting Zane because I tooootally couldn't make it until he got home.

Stop Being Silly, Tephie

Woke up feeling pretty good despite my tumtum still feeling a little icky. I'm still a little bit tired but I'll be fine. Haven't eaten anything yet and it's almost 1:30pm. For some reason, my appetite has been decreasing drastically and I'm not sure why. Any time I try to eat more than what my appetite wants, I start feeling sick. That would have been fine if it wasn't for the fact that I can eat two small things and then be fine for the rest of the day. Shouldn't I be eating more than that?

I'm 33 weeks pregnant out of the 40 that full-term people get to before dropping their load. I'm still not nervous about the actual day of birthing (because what's there to be nervous about? It's going to be lots of pain, no use getting nervous about that). What I am a little nervous about is Zane not being here. Of course he's coming down after his term ends but what if I go into premature labor and I have to give birth before he's out of school? I don't want to do that. I want him to be there with me because it would help me feel better about half my body exploding.

And then he could cuddle me and then I can be at peace knowing that the person I love the most is there with me despite me being in agonizing pain...and hopefully Quinton won't make it. If he does, I'm sure I can tell the doctors I don't want him there and he'll have to leave. I know it might sound mean but I don't want him around me...least of all when I'm giving birth. I don't want to see his stupid face there or hear him trying to calm me down as I try to strangle him. Being around him just stresses me out and I don't need that during labor.

A girl can only hope, right?

Anyway, something about being pregnant has made me waaay more paranoid than I am naturally. It also leaves me feeling severely insecure about myself a lot of the time. I'm so thankful that Zane puts up with all of that from me and still loves me. I guess I should stop thinking of the worse in situations. Like him talking to Quinton. He had his reasons for doing it but none of them revolved around him wanting to be friends with him. He was talking to a girl last night who needed someone to talk to and he was being very supportive and helping her feel better. I'll admit I was a little jealous and paranoid and I shouldn't have been. Of course I trust him and I know that I'm the only girl for him, but sometimes I just...I dunno. I'm just so happy to be with someone who's so kind and who loves me for who I am. I honestly don't know what I would do without him.

Sometimes, The Glass is Just Empty

About two nights ago, Quinton messaged me on facebook and we started talking. Now, I was already having a pretty bad day as it was, but I talked to him to be nice. After all, he hadn't done anything wrong since going to Kansas and then returning (except for continuously bothering me about how he has undying love for me and blah de blah). We started hitting territory that I felt pretty strongly about and I'm no where near the weak fragile girl I used to be. I'm not lonely and useless and someone to completely walk all over anymore, so when he started talking like an idiot, I wasn't about to sit there and nod my head like I agreed.

The thing about Quinton is, he's very very confused about what's right and what's wrong. Sure, he can detect it if someone else is doing it, but if it's him doing it, he completely loses all sight of him ever being able to do wrong. We talked about him making me have sex with him when I didn't want to and how no means no and he pretty much went on about how it's not really wrong and suuure he knew I didn't want it but meeeeh. Then later, he tried to make it seem like you couldn't possibly make a woman have sex if she didn't want to so, by that logic, he never did it with me when I didn't want to. The times I struggled trying to push him off and yelling no? Nope, that totally doesn't mean that I didn't want it.

And that just pissed me off. I hate it when someone does something wrong and just won't admit they fucked up. To me, I find it extremely disrespectful. The least I deserve is an apology. I don't deserve to sit here and listen to you talk about how having sex with people who don't want it isn't bad if they're adults. I don't want to listen to you talk about how impregnating women on purpose to force them to stay with you forever is ok as long as you love them regardless of what they feel.

Truth of the matter is, I've never really felt comfortable around Quinton. Especially after I left him when he started going haywire and threatened to kill me and Marisa. Quite frankly, I wouldn't put it past him. He's extremely unstable emotionally. He's done ridiculously stupid things for reasons he's not even sure of. I mean, he was in jail as a kid and then, about half a year ago, he almost went to jail again for attempting to taser a kid for fun. The kid was only 13 years old and he thought it'd be a good idea?

Sometimes, I'm worried that he'll go crazy and try to break into my house and kill me or something. I'm scared to be anywhere around him alone. I'd never admit it though because honestly, I don't like to ever let someone think that I'm weak or vulnerable or something. But the fact of the matter is, if he wanted to, he could kill me and there wouldn't be a thing I could do about it unless I was equipped with a weapon.

And maybe that's why I'm slightly perturbed with Zane being a little buddy buddy with Quinton. He talked to him and asked him to leave me alone for a while and give me space which I guess was a nice gesture. But the fact that he might be friends with him, or ok with him seeing me or Marisa disturbs me.

He even joked about letting him come take care of Marisa when I joked about joining the army to do a silly civilian job for tons of money and bonuses. I know it was only a joke but to hear him say it left me uncomfortable anyway.

Maybe I'm just over analyzing everything but I've just felt more distant from everyone since the whole thing over facebook with Quinton and then the fight with Zane. I believe Zane when he says that everything is going to be ok but there's a small part of me that believes he's going to leave me soon. Leave all the drama I'm wrapped up in and all the burden I am to him for someone better with a cleaner past and not much on their shoulders.

Honestly, I'd probably leave me too.

Tomorrow!

Tomorrow is Zane's birthday! I'm so excited because I got him a present and I wanna hear how happy he is when he opens it. I was going to get him wristbands because he likes them buuuuut...I mean, he could have easily guessed that if I got him it. I wanted to get him something else and something more expensive than that.

He got the package waaay earlier though. Apparently the package is 4ft long...which was surprising to me. The site I got it from didn't tell me the size soooo, I had to just inwardly hope that it would be a big enough size. @.@ nooow I'm not sure if it's too big but I'm definitely glad it wasn't super small.

I'm a little upset that the package came messed up though. Both ends were open and taped together messily. He said he got Matt to check it though and Matt didn't see anything wrong with it...thankfully T.T I would have been thoroughly pissed if it got damaged.

But yeah! So I'm super excited! Just a little nervous about its size and hoping that he doesn't open it and go "...oh...I expected something muuuch better". D: Cause then I'd be sooo sad.

I wish he could have spent his birthday here with me. That would have been so perfect. Hopefully tomorrow turns out to be an amazing day for him. I can't wait! I've been pretty anxious for a couple of days now. XD I just want him to open his present already. Goshies.

Earlier, I was feeling pretty depressed just thinking about how lame my life is but after talking to Zane, I felt much better. I guess sometimes, I can't help but to feel a little down. But I'm so glad I'm with him because he always makes me feel better.

I can't waaait. Tomorrow is so close!

Marcus and MaryJane

I've been having problems with my body lately. It's hard to get comfortable because my stomach hurts a little. Hurts in an achy sort of way. It makes it hard for me to get comfortable and stay comfortable. On top of that, I've been feeling weak and dizzy for reasons I'm not sure of. It doesn't matter how much sugar I intake, the weakness and dizziness remains.

For now, I'll just deal with it, but I hope everything's ok with me.

In other news, I was reading my brother's facebook and I think he's smoking Black and Milds again. On top of that, I think he's also doing Marijuana. I don't know how he could want to do all of that considering how we grew up with my biological father smoking all the time and selling our things for drugs. It makes me sad but I have to realize that he's a grown man now and I can't tell him what he can and can't do.

...it's just that...all my life, I've been protecting him from things and from people. I remember being at Ron's girlfriend's house when we were little and they were smoking in the house. The smoke filled up the entire place and Mylette would start to cough and feel sick. I would take them into one of the back rooms and shut the door to help protect them from the secondhand smoke and I'd stuff the bottom of the door with a towel. We'd stay like that for a few hours until I'd check and make sure that most of the smoke was gone.

I'm just worried about them, is all. I don't want them to live a life where they constantly ruin their bodies or run the risk of ending up in jail for illegal activities.

Marcus told me once that he stopped smoking for good...but it seems that it was only temporary. He said once that he smoked because his nerves would go bad and he'd feel anxious. I don't want him to think that drugs is the way to go whenever you're feeling antsy.

I'm a big sister, after all...isn't it my job to worry about them and try to put them on the right path?

The Thing About Fights

Sooooo apparently, me and Zane didn't break up at all. It was just a dispute that made us pretty distant for a few hours and I was pretty sure that we were through. The dispute was rather stupid, really, and after it was through and we made up, it left me with doubts.

Now, I don't want anything to come between me and Zane because I do love him and care about him and want us to be together. Still, I'm a paranoid creature and things like this leave a little stain no matter how hard I try to cover it up or wash it out. If something so small and so silly can almost tear us apart, what's that saying about our relationship?

A lot of days, something goes wrong and he feels terrible. Terrible about himself or his future or his current situation. We all have those days. It just seems like, his day will be going fine and then all of a sudden, it's not ok anymore. I guess it wouldn't bother me so much if it wasn't for the fact that I always feel so damn useless when he gets sad like that. There's nothing I can do or say that will make him feel better, so he'll go play games with his friends and then come back later feeling ok. It's nice that he has friends that make him feel better but I just wish there was something I could do to make him feel better too.

All I can really do is let him go off and play with his friends and just hope he had fun. Thaaat's about the extent of what I can do. Of course, this disappoints me greatly. I don't like it and I don't know how to help him more. It just leaves me feeling like it'll be this way forever. Sometimes I feel like I'm just...there. Not really good for anything else but to BE there.

And I guess little doubts like the ones that seeded themselves from our dispute pop up around then. Doubts about whether we can really make this work or if we'll really stay together for as long as we hope. It's not that I don't want to be with him but I'm still scared that something small will make us break up and then my world is toppled over again.

Maybe it'll change eventually. Maybe it won't. All I know is, fighting over little meaningless things isn't going to help pull us together. If anything, it'll slowly tear us apart.

I'm done

I'm done.

I'm done talking. I'm done communicating. I'm done being a part of this world. I'm done thinking that one day, I'll be with the perfect person and live happily ever after despite what my life has been telling me all along. I'm done feeling like I'm awesome or self-confident or narcissistic or wonderful. I'm done thinking that anything I can do will ever make a difference in anyone's life unless it's something negative.

I'm done. I just can't do this anymore. I just can't. It's like, the moment I feel like I learned my lesson, I go and get myself into situations anyway and just end up relearning my lesson. Because I'm stubborn, maybe, I dunno. I'm done being in relationships and thinking that I can make someone else happy because obviously, that's not the case at all.

Zane's the only boyfriend I ever had that was so perfect and so good to me, and I couldn't even keep him. I'm nothing special. I'm the same kind of candy he's been trying to avoid, just in a different wrapper, I guess. There's nothing about me that could ever benefit anyone. And now? Now, there's even less.

I'm done with putting so much effort and so much emotion into my relationships. I'm done with doing that with anything. I'm done trusting. I'm done loving. I'm done.

And in the end, it's all my fault. Like everything else that's ever happened to me, I guess.

Just Get Used To It

Another bad day for Zane. Of course, he's not telling me what's going on so I have no clue what's happening. I guess that's just something I'll have to get used to because no matter how much I ask, he's not going to tell me and no matter how much I'll try to help, it's not going to do him any good. I'm just going to have to get used to being pushed away whenever he's having a bad day.

Honestly, I'm so stressed out and frustrated and down myself lately but I hardly have time to think about it because I'm too busy being worried about what's going on with him or trying to feel better about being shoved away. All the pain I've been feeling, all the stresses and frustrations that have been tearing my mind apart, and everything I feel insecure about in my future all just sits on the back burner while I try to figure out how to help him or hoping he'll feel better.

I guess I'm better off that way; It's more beneficial for me to ignore everything that's burdening me to make sure that he's ok. I don't really want to sit here and think about everything I know I need to think about. There's just too much stuff on me and I'd rather just ignore it. It gets harder and harder to just push it off everyday because I feel like, slowly, it's building up until eventually, it'll overwhelm me. Until then, I'll just worry about Zane and hope that his days get better and that he'll be happy.

I don't understand everything in the entire universe or every situation that could pop up, but I do understand that I just want him to be happy and for things to go the way he plans them to.

"Today was interesting" or "Today sucked ass"

When I look at Zane, I see a lot of things. I see a handsome, charming, intelligent, and romantic man who will be by my side through thick or thin. I see someone who has a goal in life and who's working toward that goal. I see a bit of myself too: A bit of who I am now and who I used to be all wrapped into one.

Right now (pregnancy and all the emotions that go with that aside), I'm a pretty narcissistic creature with the full belief that I am the single most awesome being in the universe. I'm amazing, intelligent, and captivating and my life force is golden.

But I wasn't always like that. I wasn't always so optimistic saying "Oh, my day was pretty interesting" instead of "Oh, my day was bad". I wasn't always confident in myself and I wasn't always happy.

There was a time when everything in my life was a roller coaster ride and the only thought in my head was "If my day is going good, sooomething is eventually going to go wrong."

I lived a few years with that mentality where if anything went wrong, I just went "SEE, TOLD YOU" and then I sulked about it for the rest of the day because "my life sucks" and "nothing good ever happens to me". It's like, every day, I just waited for that one thing to ruin my mood...and ruining my mood was sooo easy. It just took one thing. One insignificant thing to tip my day off completely. I'd always claimed to be bad luck and this and that. Honestly, if anyone deserves to say that at all, it'd be me.

But anyway, near the end of high school, something changed. I don't know what it was...maybe I was just tired of being bad luck or maybe someone chiseled some of that ice off my heart, but I started seeing everything in a completely different light.

No, I wasn't bad luck. No, my life didn't suck half as bad as I thought it did. No, little things that went wrong didn't have to ruin my day. What kind of person would I be if I let something so petty and so small ruin my magnificent day?

I became confident in myself and in my life. If no one else had my back, I had my back and that's all I needed. I was much happier when I realized that, yeah a few bad things happen but the day was still golden. I mean, I'm alive, I'm sane, I didn't get into some horrible accident, I have amazing friends, and I have a place to stay.

I remember one time, me and a friend were hanging out. We walked about a half mile to get to our other friend's house. Now, when we started walking, it was so sunny out, but by the time we were halfway there, it started to rain...haard. He hated the rain and he grumbled and bitched about it all the way until we got to our friend's house. All I could do was joke about it and laugh. When we made our trip back to his house, we were still drenched in rain, my hair was ruined and I kept slipping because I was wearing flip flops.

He looked at me and was sooo depressed as he said "I'm so sorry. Today's a horrible day and I know you're going to go tell all your other friends how much it sucked." He was completely surprised when I told him that the day hadn't sucked at all. "If anything, it's the most interesting day of this week" I told him. He didn't really know what to say so he just stared at me like I was crazy.

So I explained to him that if it hadn't rained, it would have been the most boring walk ever. Sure, my hair got messed up and I kept slipping everywhere, but it was funny and kinda fun too. "It gives you something to tell your friends about," I told him, "If the day went perfectly...how interesting of a conversation would that make for?"

And that was the mentality I had for just about everything. "How was your day?" "It was preeeetty effin interesting, actually".

From there, my tolerance level for things that went wrong in my day grew so that barely anything really boggled me enough to go "D: I HAD HORRIBLE DAY".

I remember after having to quit college for the first time to help my family, I would hear people from high school talk about me. They'd say things like "Tiffany quit college. She's so intelligent and look where she's headed" or "Tiffany's so smart and she should be so far ahead in life by now" or "So much wasted potential". Yeah, it hurt to hear those things, mostly because I knew it was true. I know that I'm smart. I know that all the potential I have has been wasted juuust so that I could make other people happy. For a moment, it made me so horrendously sad to think about that. To think about where I should be in life...and how I'm not there.

It still hurts sometimes, but it's not enough to make me feel like I'm no good or that I completely failed in life. I just go "Well, I'm taking the zigzag path to my destination" and that's that, really. I can't changed what's already happened. I'll get there though. I will. I'm too determined to not get there.

Whatever goes wrong, as long as me and the ones I love are alive and healthy, I can overcome it. And I guess, because I'm so strong against the little things that go wrong in my life, I sometimes forget that it's not like that for other people.

And so when Zane was feeling depressed because he thought he wasn't good at video games just because he was having an off day, I was almost tempted to say "Get off your pity pot, nancy. One off day in video games and you're going to let it destroy eeevveeeerythiiing?"

I didn't, because I realized that we all just have different tolerance levels. He's more pessimistic than me and he lets it control him. I know what that's like and I wish he wasn't like that but we're all different. I used to know how to help people better when I had that same mentality. I guess now that I don't, I just can't anymore.

But I wonder how he'd feel if one day, I look him in the eyes and say nonchalantly "Nothing you say can help me feel better."

I love him to death, I really do and there's nothing that will change that. But I'm scared that when one little thing goes wrong, he'll curl up into a ball of depression and push me away for the rest of the day. I don't want him to do that and knowing that I can't help him when I'm actually with him is going to hurt soo much worse than being this far apart and not being able to.

I wonder if I'll have to sleep alone when he's depressed when I live with him too.

So Tired

Last night and the night before, I wasn't able to sleep very well. I'm not sure if it was just not being able to sleep with Zane because he had company over and was busy or if it's my pregnancy (or both). All I know is, it's getting harder to be comfortable in bed and actually stay asleep for a good length of time. I feel like I've been up for days.

Sometimes, I feel like I'm starting to cramp in my lower abdomen and I start to freak out. And then there's the matter of this burning annoying pain in the right side of my chest. The doctor dismissed it as just something in my pregnancy to deal with without even checking it but...it could also be a problem with my gall bladder which isn't something to ignore at all. It used to feel better whenever I laid down, but now it doesn't feel better at all no matter what I do. Most of the day, it's there.

On top of all that, I feel sick eating some foods now. Not the "I wanna throw up" kind of sick, but more of a "Ew, I didn't want to eat this crap" kinda stomach ache. Which is fine except...it's mostly everything I eat that makes me feel that way lately.

I'm just so severely tired and simply going to sleep doesn't help very well since I can't get comfortable enough to stay asleep. I just feel like my body's falling apart.

The Perfect Girl

Last night, me and Zane were talking on the phone and he mentioned his idea of a perfect girl (or rather, what it used to be). He mentioned that his perfect girl was an innocent, sweet person who was a virgin. Someone who hadn't been around the block or paraded naked in front of a ton of people. I completely understand how such a girl was perfect to him. He also mentioned that one of the girl's who he used to have a huuuuge crush on turned out to be not so innocent and how he'd lost a lot of what he felt for her because of that.

Even though at the end of the night he reassured me that he loved me more than anything in the world and how I was perfect for him, our earlier fight (in which he told me that I wasn't perfect and that he'd settle for second best) still hurt me. I know he probably didn't mean it and it was all just said in the moment. But, honestly, he's right. I'm not perfect and I never can be. I never could have fit into his idea of what a perfect girl for him was.

My biological father was in the Marine Corp when me and my brother were born. Life in Hawaii is fine enough from what I can remember. We moved to North Carolina shortly afterward and me and my brother didn't have any problems there either. Our family made good money and we lived in a fantastic neighborhood.

When we came down to Georgia though, everything changed for the worst. It was about then that my biological father became this cheating, manipulative bastard who sold our things for drugs and took our only car to go do whatever it is he did in those days. There was no one there but my mom (who wasn't fuuully fluent in English at the time), my brother, and me.

We struggled and we struggled hard. The kids in the neighborhood weren't all that great either. Besides Denny, who was the oldest white kid there (he was a teenager while we were in elementary), me and my siblings were the lightest kids in the neighborhood and the only asians. We got picked on a lot and, of course, I protected my brother the best I could. I guess it didn't help that I was a rather feisty child who challenged anyone with balls to mess with me and him. But even with all the fire in me, I wasn't a match for half the black kids there.

I'm not going to blame everything on them though. Sure, mostly, they were horrible children who loved to pick on kids, but I wasn't an angel either. I was a manipulative and conniving child and had my own little dark side that I had gotten from my biological father. I could talk my way out of most anything if I got into trouble and I smashed talk even if I had nothing to back it up. I made threats constantly, hoping none of the kids would call my bluff because I needed to feel that they feared me and my brother enough to leave us alone. They didn't fear me though, and they certainly understood that they had numbers on their side.

If I happened to be a Fallout character at that age, all my points would have went into Speech and Intelligence. Not a single point would go anywhere near any combat related skill. And though I could wish the most horrible things on other people or try to manipulate them like the little devil that I was, I just wasn't a fighter and didn't want to hurt people physically.

I wasn't born innocent. I was born with the need to bend everyone to my will, to protect what was mine, and to hurt those that didn't abide by my rules. I wasn't born with compassion and a kind heart and I never acquired any of that until years and years later. I guess all of the anger from my biological father leaving and from us having to live in an area beneath our level was bottled up inside and turned whatever heart I had as a child into a black pit with nothing but a need to pay back the entire universe. Before I was even a preteen, I had stolen, emotionally broke people who dared to mess with me, and lied about pretty much everything. Innocence and sweetness didn't even know a place in my soul until I was a teenager.

And up until I was a teenager, worse and worse things would fall onto me and I guess it was the world's attempt to stop me from being any worse than I already was. Each thing that terrorized my childhood forced me to ease off of being the way I was. I think the most horrifying thing I had to go through was with my "godfather". I guess that's kind of when everything else went to hell for me (or...further into hell than everything already was).

My mom was fond of Monique and Shontae who were sisters and kids that went to school with me. They were super well-mannered, mature, and kind. Their parents were just as kind and seemed just as well-mannered and were very religious people. We all enjoyed their company and eventually, they kinda self-declared themselves our godparents. It was fine with me, really, because they had helped my family so much.

The Millers lived with us for a short little while until they picked up and moved into their own place. Everything went fine until this one day when I was alone in the house with Mr. Miller. I've always been naive and I would never dispute that, but when he sat beside me and put his hand too far up my lap, I knew something was very wrong and this wasn't supposed to be happening. He'd smile at me and I'd smile nervously back but I'd still move his hand. He'd move it back and I'd move it back off again. Eventually, I just moved away and pretended I had to go to the bathroom or something.

At first, I decided that maaaybe I was just overreacting. After all, he was a very respectable person and he'd never done anything to ever make any of us suspect that he was a bad person. The next time something happened though, I changed my mind entirely. The next time wasn't a mistake or something you could misinterpret at all. I had the remote in my hand from in the kitchen and he'd come up behind me. At this point, I was already pretty uncomfortable with him, but when he groped my chest, I practically panicked. I got away from him and decided I didn't want to be around him anymore. When I tried to tell anybody, they just dismissed me and assured me that nothing was going on.

And then I realized that if anything happened to me, no one was going to believe me. Especially if it was someone who they personally knew and thought highly of. I made sure to never be around him and whenever I saw him, I flipped out and ran the other direction. When they moved away to Texas, I was so relieved.

I never thought it would haunt me though because I was young and I knew he was too far away. But when I was 17 and hanging out with friends, a car pulled into a driveway not so far from us and I could have sworn it looked just like Mr. Miller. I started to panic inside and all I could think about was hiding. I don't know why I was so scared or so disturbed. When it turned out not to be him, I calmed down pretty fast but honestly, I was so surprised that something that happened so long ago could still effect me now.

A while after the Mr. Miller incident, my biological father had this girlfriend (who is now his wife, actually) and she had a daughter. Sometimes, me and my brother would have to spend time with him and her and we slept over for a few nights. Nothing bad ever came from any of that until this one night. I was sleeping on the top bunk and her daughter had shaken me awake telling me to be quiet. Honestly, I was too tired to even comprehend what was happening. I could hardly see and I didn't even have my balance yet when she started pushing me onto the floor and yanking my clothes off. I didn't know what to do and my mind just completely shut off at that point. I didn't scream or anything and I guess that I'd freaked out to the point of not being able to respond in any kind of way, really. After that happened, I never felt like I was actually worth anything. I was regretted not screaming or telling anyone, but honestly who would have believed me anyway? I learned earlier that no one would and there was no point in it. From that moment on, I could never be perfect to myself. I was always slightly worthless and pathetic no matter what I ever did in my life. And I guess out of all my childhood horrors, this one experience was just something I could never overcome fully. I would always feel like this one experience made me less than I could ever be. This one thing, I could never get better from. And maybe it was just because I never did anything about it.

On top of all that was what happened with Quinton, which I also believe I can never actually overcome in terms of worthlessness. I was already imperfect before that point, but afterward? I was even less perfect than most other people in my own opinion. I love myself, I do, but I can never be perfect for anyone. I'll always fall short.

But it never really effected me until I heard it from Zane. Saying that he'd settle for second best because I wasn't perfect either. And when he said it, everything I'd ever gone through flashed before my eyes and I realized I could never ever be the perfect girl for him. There will always be someone better that he could be with. I can never be the pure, innocent person he wanted in a girl. I'm always just the person he settled for and learned to love instead of the perfect dream girl he fell in love with.

I guess that's why I never try to tell him all the things I've had to deal with in my life. I don't want him to think any less of me than he probably already does. I don't want him to see me as someone who's pathetic, worthless, and just damaged goods like I saw myself for years.

I guess I never really wanted him to realize how I'm just not the perfect girl he wishes I was.

Mine or not?

Today I decided that I can't keep putting off this whole adoption process if I'm actually going to do it since I'm preeetty far along now. I started scouting out couples looking to adopt that don't live too far away from Georgia (so that they can easily get to me when I give birth and stuffies). Found a few couples that seem so very nice and are super ready to introduce a newborn child into their lives.

Reading their letters to "birthmothers" and stuff always makes me feel bad...especially one that was like "We'll have your child's pictures in our albums and teach them this and that" or describing how holidays would be like with "bows in her hair" and stuff. It made me really sad to picture my child doing all the things I wish I could do with her...but with someone else.

I guess I just have this stubborn pride in me that just needs to take care of my things. I have it with my siblings and with my friends and with...all my stuff, really. And Marisa is my child. She's my first and although I didn't plan on her coming, she's still mine. It just breaks my heart to know that someone else is going to do all the things I wish I could. Someone else is going to provide for her because I can't and someone else is going to have her in their albums when she should be in mine.

It's hard, it really is. And I almost want to be like "NO! I KEEP HER D<". But at the same time, I really really really can't afford to keep her. I can't provide for her and I don't have anything to offer her right now. If I work (and I'll have to), I'll have to send her to a daycare or some babysitter that I don't know...or make my family watch her and I really don't want that. I want to be able to take care of her without having to rely on the world to help me. And I don't want her to struggle. I want her to have good Christmas days and be able to travel and do art and be the person she wants to be.

These families that are looking to adopt are ready for children and I'm just not. I wish I was, I really do, but I'm not. No matter what I do, I'll feel bad and good at the same time. I mean, if I give her up, I'd feel bad for giving her up but good about giving her a better home. And if I don't, I'd feel bad about not giving her a better home but good about having her.

The better choice is to give her up. I don't want her to be surrounded by all the bullshit that Quinton and his family is capable of. I don't want her around his drugged out crazy mother. I want her to grow up in a wholesome family who can give her everything she could ever possible need and want.

I emailed one of the families earlier today to see if they wanted to talk. I guess we'll see where we go from there.

"Tell Us Your Feelings" Part II

My mom and dad have been calling me pretty much all morning after I initially talked to my mom. I ignored it for most of the day because I wasn't in the mood to feel any worse than I already did. With all these stupid hormones, getting sad means I get reaaaal sad for a loooong while and I just don't like that.

Eventually, I picked up the phone because I can't ignore them forever. Plus, I figured I might as well let today get worse instead of making tomorrow worse.

What I expected:
1. More Excuses of why they're justified in assuming the worst of me
2. Becoming even more upset and wanting to hang the phone up
3. Some kind of argument
4. Other false accusations

What I Got:
1. An explanation from daddy's point of view
2. The "You know we always love you" talk
3. An invitation to come over
4. A blizzard (that he dropped off while he was in Hinesville).

I was completely shocked how well the call went. The story coming from my mom and my dad are both very different. He pretty much explained that he was just hurt because he didn't have the money he needed and he just felt pretty bad that no one could help and he was upset that my aunt had my money.

He also explained that my mom is under a lot of stress over me and my sister not getting along very well and about how because of that, she overlooks some things. I completely understand that.

Although I didn't get an apology (and I felt I really really deserved it), he pretty much told me that everyone loved and missed me and stuffies and I guess him explaining things made everything a little better. I'm still a little jaded about everything but I'm glad that we're all talking again.

"Tell Us Your Feelings"

Soooo, I'm giving birth in about two months (as long as Marisa doesn't decide to just claw her way out before then) and Zane wants to be there with me when I give birth. Because the easiest and cheapest way for us to be together until I give birth is staying with my mom and dad, I decided to give them a call to talk about my feelings on the whole "money" issue that just passed. For the most part, I did it because I didn't want to stay at their house harboring hurt feelings the entire time while pretending like I was completely fine with how they've been treating me.

Before I get into the actual phone call, I think it's important to mention that when I was younger, my mom and dad would always tell me that I needed to tell them how I feel because if I don't, they wouldn't know. They would say that we were a family and that's how families talked and stuff. We just had to be open and have good communication (which I find laughable now that I think of it considering how they've assumed bad things about me and then decide not to talk to me because of it).

So anyway, onto actually calling.

I call after carefully picking out what I'd say to my mom (because I never want to come off as disrespectful to my parents), and I talk with her a little. We talk about how she switched to wireless and how her internet was messing up and blah blah blah (if you ask her how she is, you always get a story about something that happened in her day). After that, I pretty much hopped right into telling her how I felt hurt about her and my dad assuming the worst of me constantly.

What I Expected:

1. An apology

2. Maybe a promise to try harder not to assume bad things about a good good daughter

3. An invitation to dinner/lunch/sleepover

4. Resolving issues and moving on to fun conversations

5. (A small part expected her to be severely angry and for her to hang up...@_@ because my mind is weird like that).

What I Got:

1. Several Accusations

2. Excuses

3. No resolution to issue. Moving on to other topics which led to other accusations.

4. False retelling of event.

5. Me wanting to hang up

Almost immediately after I explained how I felt and why I felt that way, my mom was like "Well we figured your story didn't add up and you just didn't want to help us." and "We didn't like your attitude so we gave you space" and "You didn't call us for a long time and we knew something was up."

Except...

1. My story DID add up...which I tried to explain to her (to which she replied "I don't even really REMEMBER what you said to us...sooo...yeah...but it didn't add up")

2. I didn't have an attitude at all about it. I was simply telling them that I didn't have the money.

3. I did call and they rushed off the phone like they didn't want to talk to me (to which my mom replied "I...don't actually remember that either. Maybe I was busy?")

So I started feeling angry and upset because I realized that there was no way that anyone was going to see my point on this. I talked about how they've assumed the worst of me before for no reason at all and how this could be prevented if they just talked to me about it instead of just ignoring me.

My mom seemed to continuously brush away this fact and kept repeating that "something was obviously up" and how they were justified in making such bullshit up. Apparently, I had hurt daddy's feelings (according to her) because I couldn't get him the money and he'd be in trouble without it. I understand how he could have been hurt but if I don't have the money, I don't have the money.

And maybe I should have been like "Oh yeah? Well you guys hurt my feelings when you guys constantly promise to pay me back and then never do". Maybe I should have said "It hurt my feelings when I'm trying to make a living to get things that I like and you guys constantly ask me for money knowing I won't say no."

Anyway, she changed the subject to "I don't like how you accuse me of the way I raised you". To explain, one day when we were fighting, I told her honestly that the reason why I moved away during high school was because of the way she treated me. I did everything back then for her and my family. I woke up at 5am just to clean the entire house and then to wake up my siblings, get them ready for school, and then go to school myself all while my mother rested. And then when I came home, I'd cook and clean and still have to find time to do my homework (and tutor my siblings and check their homework when needed). I did pretty much everything from a very young age and if I forgot to do ONE THING, my mom would be like "YOU DON'T DO ANYTHING AROUND HERE! YOU HALF DO EVERYTHING!" and I'm like "Wooooah...waaaait a minute, I do EVERYTHING". Make one mistake or forget one thing and she was sure to make me feel worthless, pathetic, and lazy.

On top of that, she wouldn't ever let me hang out with my friends or go anywhere...or do anything. It was so unfair to me being 15,16,17 even and never having been to a friend's house or hanging out with anyone except during school. It got to be just too much for me and I left because I felt there was just too much on my shoulders and I couldn't win no matter how hard I tried.

I was trying to explain to my mom that the reason why me and my sister are so depressed all the time while living with them is because they make it seem like doing our best isn't enough or like we're not doing enough. It hurts to be told that doing your best isn't good enough because...I mean, it's your best. And although my sister does a crappy job, if she tells me she's doing her best, I'm not going to be like "D< IT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH

So anyway, she told me that I hurt her feelings when I accused her of being a bad mother (which I never said). She also talked about how I never did anything for the six months I stayed with them after coming back from Atlanta. Immediately, I was like "Wooooah, mommy you KNOW I cleaned the house the entire time I was there." and she was like "NOPE" and I had to remind her of all the things I did and after providing her with evidence and facts, she replied with "I don't remember. It was a long time ago".

And that's pretty much how it all went. Constantly being like "I don't remember" after telling her that what she thinks happened...didn't happen. And it just hurt because every time I figure "Hey, I'll tell them my feelings," they just come back with a "We don't care because this is what we think and we're sticking to it" kind of attitude about it.

No lie, I cried like a bitch. In fact, after she hung up, I cried so hard and so loud that I don't think I was even producing any tears anymore. It just hurt my feelings so much.

And my mom was like "Well, when daddy comes home, I'll let you talk to him about how you feel too." I said "ok" but what I really meant was "I don't feel like talking anymore...". And I don't. I just really don't. I'm so overwhelmingly sad and upset about it that I don't want to talk to him or my mom about it anymore. I get nowhere. And I know my dad will probably just make me feel worse about it. I just don't want to anymore.

So pretty much, they're always going to think the worst of me. Always. Better just get used to it now because it's not going to change and neither are they.