"Today was interesting" or "Today sucked ass"

When I look at Zane, I see a lot of things. I see a handsome, charming, intelligent, and romantic man who will be by my side through thick or thin. I see someone who has a goal in life and who's working toward that goal. I see a bit of myself too: A bit of who I am now and who I used to be all wrapped into one.

Right now (pregnancy and all the emotions that go with that aside), I'm a pretty narcissistic creature with the full belief that I am the single most awesome being in the universe. I'm amazing, intelligent, and captivating and my life force is golden.

But I wasn't always like that. I wasn't always so optimistic saying "Oh, my day was pretty interesting" instead of "Oh, my day was bad". I wasn't always confident in myself and I wasn't always happy.

There was a time when everything in my life was a roller coaster ride and the only thought in my head was "If my day is going good, sooomething is eventually going to go wrong."

I lived a few years with that mentality where if anything went wrong, I just went "SEE, TOLD YOU" and then I sulked about it for the rest of the day because "my life sucks" and "nothing good ever happens to me". It's like, every day, I just waited for that one thing to ruin my mood...and ruining my mood was sooo easy. It just took one thing. One insignificant thing to tip my day off completely. I'd always claimed to be bad luck and this and that. Honestly, if anyone deserves to say that at all, it'd be me.

But anyway, near the end of high school, something changed. I don't know what it was...maybe I was just tired of being bad luck or maybe someone chiseled some of that ice off my heart, but I started seeing everything in a completely different light.

No, I wasn't bad luck. No, my life didn't suck half as bad as I thought it did. No, little things that went wrong didn't have to ruin my day. What kind of person would I be if I let something so petty and so small ruin my magnificent day?

I became confident in myself and in my life. If no one else had my back, I had my back and that's all I needed. I was much happier when I realized that, yeah a few bad things happen but the day was still golden. I mean, I'm alive, I'm sane, I didn't get into some horrible accident, I have amazing friends, and I have a place to stay.

I remember one time, me and a friend were hanging out. We walked about a half mile to get to our other friend's house. Now, when we started walking, it was so sunny out, but by the time we were halfway there, it started to rain...haard. He hated the rain and he grumbled and bitched about it all the way until we got to our friend's house. All I could do was joke about it and laugh. When we made our trip back to his house, we were still drenched in rain, my hair was ruined and I kept slipping because I was wearing flip flops.

He looked at me and was sooo depressed as he said "I'm so sorry. Today's a horrible day and I know you're going to go tell all your other friends how much it sucked." He was completely surprised when I told him that the day hadn't sucked at all. "If anything, it's the most interesting day of this week" I told him. He didn't really know what to say so he just stared at me like I was crazy.

So I explained to him that if it hadn't rained, it would have been the most boring walk ever. Sure, my hair got messed up and I kept slipping everywhere, but it was funny and kinda fun too. "It gives you something to tell your friends about," I told him, "If the day went perfectly...how interesting of a conversation would that make for?"

And that was the mentality I had for just about everything. "How was your day?" "It was preeeetty effin interesting, actually".

From there, my tolerance level for things that went wrong in my day grew so that barely anything really boggled me enough to go "D: I HAD HORRIBLE DAY".

I remember after having to quit college for the first time to help my family, I would hear people from high school talk about me. They'd say things like "Tiffany quit college. She's so intelligent and look where she's headed" or "Tiffany's so smart and she should be so far ahead in life by now" or "So much wasted potential". Yeah, it hurt to hear those things, mostly because I knew it was true. I know that I'm smart. I know that all the potential I have has been wasted juuust so that I could make other people happy. For a moment, it made me so horrendously sad to think about that. To think about where I should be in life...and how I'm not there.

It still hurts sometimes, but it's not enough to make me feel like I'm no good or that I completely failed in life. I just go "Well, I'm taking the zigzag path to my destination" and that's that, really. I can't changed what's already happened. I'll get there though. I will. I'm too determined to not get there.

Whatever goes wrong, as long as me and the ones I love are alive and healthy, I can overcome it. And I guess, because I'm so strong against the little things that go wrong in my life, I sometimes forget that it's not like that for other people.

And so when Zane was feeling depressed because he thought he wasn't good at video games just because he was having an off day, I was almost tempted to say "Get off your pity pot, nancy. One off day in video games and you're going to let it destroy eeevveeeerythiiing?"

I didn't, because I realized that we all just have different tolerance levels. He's more pessimistic than me and he lets it control him. I know what that's like and I wish he wasn't like that but we're all different. I used to know how to help people better when I had that same mentality. I guess now that I don't, I just can't anymore.

But I wonder how he'd feel if one day, I look him in the eyes and say nonchalantly "Nothing you say can help me feel better."

I love him to death, I really do and there's nothing that will change that. But I'm scared that when one little thing goes wrong, he'll curl up into a ball of depression and push me away for the rest of the day. I don't want him to do that and knowing that I can't help him when I'm actually with him is going to hurt soo much worse than being this far apart and not being able to.

I wonder if I'll have to sleep alone when he's depressed when I live with him too.