"Tell Us Your Feelings" Part II

My mom and dad have been calling me pretty much all morning after I initially talked to my mom. I ignored it for most of the day because I wasn't in the mood to feel any worse than I already did. With all these stupid hormones, getting sad means I get reaaaal sad for a loooong while and I just don't like that.

Eventually, I picked up the phone because I can't ignore them forever. Plus, I figured I might as well let today get worse instead of making tomorrow worse.

What I expected:
1. More Excuses of why they're justified in assuming the worst of me
2. Becoming even more upset and wanting to hang the phone up
3. Some kind of argument
4. Other false accusations

What I Got:
1. An explanation from daddy's point of view
2. The "You know we always love you" talk
3. An invitation to come over
4. A blizzard (that he dropped off while he was in Hinesville).

I was completely shocked how well the call went. The story coming from my mom and my dad are both very different. He pretty much explained that he was just hurt because he didn't have the money he needed and he just felt pretty bad that no one could help and he was upset that my aunt had my money.

He also explained that my mom is under a lot of stress over me and my sister not getting along very well and about how because of that, she overlooks some things. I completely understand that.

Although I didn't get an apology (and I felt I really really deserved it), he pretty much told me that everyone loved and missed me and stuffies and I guess him explaining things made everything a little better. I'm still a little jaded about everything but I'm glad that we're all talking again.

"Tell Us Your Feelings"

Soooo, I'm giving birth in about two months (as long as Marisa doesn't decide to just claw her way out before then) and Zane wants to be there with me when I give birth. Because the easiest and cheapest way for us to be together until I give birth is staying with my mom and dad, I decided to give them a call to talk about my feelings on the whole "money" issue that just passed. For the most part, I did it because I didn't want to stay at their house harboring hurt feelings the entire time while pretending like I was completely fine with how they've been treating me.

Before I get into the actual phone call, I think it's important to mention that when I was younger, my mom and dad would always tell me that I needed to tell them how I feel because if I don't, they wouldn't know. They would say that we were a family and that's how families talked and stuff. We just had to be open and have good communication (which I find laughable now that I think of it considering how they've assumed bad things about me and then decide not to talk to me because of it).

So anyway, onto actually calling.

I call after carefully picking out what I'd say to my mom (because I never want to come off as disrespectful to my parents), and I talk with her a little. We talk about how she switched to wireless and how her internet was messing up and blah blah blah (if you ask her how she is, you always get a story about something that happened in her day). After that, I pretty much hopped right into telling her how I felt hurt about her and my dad assuming the worst of me constantly.

What I Expected:

1. An apology

2. Maybe a promise to try harder not to assume bad things about a good good daughter

3. An invitation to dinner/lunch/sleepover

4. Resolving issues and moving on to fun conversations

5. (A small part expected her to be severely angry and for her to hang up...@_@ because my mind is weird like that).

What I Got:

1. Several Accusations

2. Excuses

3. No resolution to issue. Moving on to other topics which led to other accusations.

4. False retelling of event.

5. Me wanting to hang up

Almost immediately after I explained how I felt and why I felt that way, my mom was like "Well we figured your story didn't add up and you just didn't want to help us." and "We didn't like your attitude so we gave you space" and "You didn't call us for a long time and we knew something was up."

Except...

1. My story DID add up...which I tried to explain to her (to which she replied "I don't even really REMEMBER what you said to us...sooo...yeah...but it didn't add up")

2. I didn't have an attitude at all about it. I was simply telling them that I didn't have the money.

3. I did call and they rushed off the phone like they didn't want to talk to me (to which my mom replied "I...don't actually remember that either. Maybe I was busy?")

So I started feeling angry and upset because I realized that there was no way that anyone was going to see my point on this. I talked about how they've assumed the worst of me before for no reason at all and how this could be prevented if they just talked to me about it instead of just ignoring me.

My mom seemed to continuously brush away this fact and kept repeating that "something was obviously up" and how they were justified in making such bullshit up. Apparently, I had hurt daddy's feelings (according to her) because I couldn't get him the money and he'd be in trouble without it. I understand how he could have been hurt but if I don't have the money, I don't have the money.

And maybe I should have been like "Oh yeah? Well you guys hurt my feelings when you guys constantly promise to pay me back and then never do". Maybe I should have said "It hurt my feelings when I'm trying to make a living to get things that I like and you guys constantly ask me for money knowing I won't say no."

Anyway, she changed the subject to "I don't like how you accuse me of the way I raised you". To explain, one day when we were fighting, I told her honestly that the reason why I moved away during high school was because of the way she treated me. I did everything back then for her and my family. I woke up at 5am just to clean the entire house and then to wake up my siblings, get them ready for school, and then go to school myself all while my mother rested. And then when I came home, I'd cook and clean and still have to find time to do my homework (and tutor my siblings and check their homework when needed). I did pretty much everything from a very young age and if I forgot to do ONE THING, my mom would be like "YOU DON'T DO ANYTHING AROUND HERE! YOU HALF DO EVERYTHING!" and I'm like "Wooooah...waaaait a minute, I do EVERYTHING". Make one mistake or forget one thing and she was sure to make me feel worthless, pathetic, and lazy.

On top of that, she wouldn't ever let me hang out with my friends or go anywhere...or do anything. It was so unfair to me being 15,16,17 even and never having been to a friend's house or hanging out with anyone except during school. It got to be just too much for me and I left because I felt there was just too much on my shoulders and I couldn't win no matter how hard I tried.

I was trying to explain to my mom that the reason why me and my sister are so depressed all the time while living with them is because they make it seem like doing our best isn't enough or like we're not doing enough. It hurts to be told that doing your best isn't good enough because...I mean, it's your best. And although my sister does a crappy job, if she tells me she's doing her best, I'm not going to be like "D< IT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH

So anyway, she told me that I hurt her feelings when I accused her of being a bad mother (which I never said). She also talked about how I never did anything for the six months I stayed with them after coming back from Atlanta. Immediately, I was like "Wooooah, mommy you KNOW I cleaned the house the entire time I was there." and she was like "NOPE" and I had to remind her of all the things I did and after providing her with evidence and facts, she replied with "I don't remember. It was a long time ago".

And that's pretty much how it all went. Constantly being like "I don't remember" after telling her that what she thinks happened...didn't happen. And it just hurt because every time I figure "Hey, I'll tell them my feelings," they just come back with a "We don't care because this is what we think and we're sticking to it" kind of attitude about it.

No lie, I cried like a bitch. In fact, after she hung up, I cried so hard and so loud that I don't think I was even producing any tears anymore. It just hurt my feelings so much.

And my mom was like "Well, when daddy comes home, I'll let you talk to him about how you feel too." I said "ok" but what I really meant was "I don't feel like talking anymore...". And I don't. I just really don't. I'm so overwhelmingly sad and upset about it that I don't want to talk to him or my mom about it anymore. I get nowhere. And I know my dad will probably just make me feel worse about it. I just don't want to anymore.

So pretty much, they're always going to think the worst of me. Always. Better just get used to it now because it's not going to change and neither are they.