Last night wasn't going so great for me or Zane. His psp broke and his save was corrupted and I just felt like crap and was severely uncomfortable. We laid down together to talk on the phone and we started talking about a lot of things.
Now, it's not surprising to me that Zane does things that completely catch me off guard or scare me (because I swear he's psychic or something @_@;; ). Like, sometimes when I'm dialing his number, I get a text from him riiight at the same time. Or sometimes when I'm thinking of him, he just shows up out of nowhere. Sometimes he talks about things I was thinking about that I didn't mention to him and then I'm like "@____@ WOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAH...."...and then I search for cameras around my house XD.
I love the way we connect and I love how we share the same thought processes for a lot of things. I love how we're just so in sync with each other and how we get each other.
So last night, we start talking about the trip to his house and how much it would cost and stuff. Talked about my online college and about me possibly even moving in with him after I give birth. It would stop us from having to be apart for another year while he finishes college and he'd be able to be with me and Marisa, our daughter.
Of course, I told him that I didn't want to burden him because he has a lot on his plate right now. I didn't want to be another expense that would just cause his life to be harder. But he assured me that everything would be fine and explained it to me in a way that I could easily see and couldn't argue with. I'm so excited about it all, really, because I'd love to spend that much time with him and cuddle with him every night.
And then he asked me about Marisa and whether I planned for sure to keep her or to adopt her. This completely took me off guard. It's funny because I was just thinking about it earlier in the day and that week, weighing the pros and cons and trying to figure out exactly what I was going to do. It surprised me because we hadn't talked about that subject for so long and I assumed he believed we were keeping her.
So when he asked me, I didn't answer right away. I was a little shocked and I just kinda sat there like "@.@ uuuuuuhm...". So he started talking about his view on it and he said "I'm not going to lie, if we give her up for adoption, I'm going to cry. I already love her." And when he said that, I dunno...I just love him so much and hearing him say that made me feel really happy. Happy because he was really in this for everything. I mean, I always knew he was but...I dunno. I guess somewhere deep inside, I thought he wouldn't love her for real because she's not his or because of Quinton or something.
But anyway, he told me that he'd be a little happy and a little sad with both decisions. On one hand, giving her up is probably and most likely better for her since me and Zane aren't financially capable of easily taking care of her without her having to struggle. It would hurt because we love her and she's ours but we know it's for the better. Additionally, it would allow me and Zane to actually prepare for our future together. On the other hand, we're emotionally ready and physically (except for my exploding vagina T.T) ready to have her and we were looking forward to her coming. I've got a stroller and parts to a crib already sitting in my house. Keeping her would be wonderful and we'd be great parents to her. But working toward our future would be harder and we'd struggle a lot and I don't want there to be a lot of struggling in her life. I want us to be prepared and for Marisa to have a stable, well-suited environment for her to grow in.
I told him I was leaning more toward giving her up but to include her in our plans anyway just in case I change my mind at the very last minute. I mean, it might happen...she IS ripping apart half my body and I miiight just be too attached to her to let go. I mean honestly, how many times are you going to let something explode out of your body and NOT wanna hunt it down? I mean it only happens with a baby. If anything else came out, like a chestburster, I'd hunt it down...I'm just saying.
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