My Crazy Mind

I guess I can admit that I'm a person who's scared to try new things. I'm not talking about trying a new dish or attempting to bake a cake from scratch for the first time in my life. I mean new things liiiike skydiving, or riding a ferris wheel, or camping in the middle of nowhere with nothing but a tent and a few supplies.

I mean, I can do those things if I did it with someone else. I don't like doing things that could end up badly by myself because I end up feeling vulnerable and severely paranoid. My mind tends to wander into the worse case scenarios of the situation in front of me and then I start to panic thinking that something will most definitely go wrong. Especially because it's me.

Any day now, I'm going to be subjected myself to riding on a bus that will take me across the state of Alabama to take me to my wonderful boyfriend so that I can spend a few weeks with him. Now, I've never ridden a bus like that before. In fact, I've never ridden a city bus either. I've only ever ridden a school bus, and even then I was riding with people I knew.

I'll be on this bus for about 15-17 hours with three breaks where I'll have to switch buses and so on. I'll be riding alone on a bus full of strangers to places I've never known. I'll have to switch buses in cities I'm not familiar with and people whose intentions (which I'm sure don't revolve around me) are unknown.

Yes, I am paranoid and yes, the idea of riding on this bus for so long to places unknown and with complete and utter strangers terrifies me. Normally, I wouldn't even consider doing it unless I had a friend or two riding with me ( because then at least I won't go down alone?). This time is different, however, because I want to spend time with Zane. I just have to force myself to go through with it and then I can stay with him for a while before I need to bus back again.

And I will do it. I know I will. But I can't stop my mind from all the "What if" questions that terrify me from doing a lot of other things. For skydiving, it'd be "What if my parachute won't open?" or "What if I land in the wrong area and then I get hurt?" or "What if I panic and forget what to do and start spiraling downward at a rate too fast for anyone to save me and then I SPLATTER ONTO THE CONCRETE IN A GOREY MESS?!?!?!"

For riding Ferris wheels, it'd be "What if something goes wrong and the bolts aren't screwed in tight?" or "What if it stops in midair and they have to do maintenance to get it running again?" or "What if it unrails and then ROLLS INTO THE STREETS OF THE CITY KILLING TONS OF PEOPLE, NOT TO MENTION THOSE RIDING IT?!?!?!"

For riding the bus for more than half a day, it's "What if someone tries to mug me and ends up badly injuring me?" and "What if I take the wrong bus and end up at the wrong place with no money to get back?" and "What if, as I'm exiting the bus to wander around and wait for my next bus, some kind of fight breaks out in the city and I get hit by a stray bullet?" and "What if I accidentally trip and fall off the bus, smashing into the ground stomach first and end up miscarrying and then having no idea how to get to the hospital because I don't know the area?" and "WHAT IF I GET KIDNAPPED AND TORTURED AND GET LOCKED UP FOR YEARS WITHOUT ANYONE KNOWING WHAT HAPPENED?!" and "What if I get shanked on the bus by some crazy person...OR SHANKED AT ALL!?" and "What if the family I just got acquainted with turns out to be CANNIBALS and decide to RIP ME APART AT ONE OF THE STOPS FOR A SNACK!?!?"

Ok, so I'm paranoid. Maybe overly so. But I can't help it, really. I've always been a bit paranoid about certain things. I don't trust strangers and I don't trust bus drivers or taxi drivers.

But like I said, I'll do it just to be with Zane. I'll try my best to sit on that bus and not look like I'm completely and utterly terrified that I'm alone and pregnant and vulnerable and stuffies. I'll do it because I love him and I want so much to be in his arms.

I wouldn't be doing this for anyone else really.

Just Zane. See how much I love him?

Okaaaasan. Nani shiteru?

I love my mother, I really do. Before yesterday, I hadn't talked to her in quite a while. For some reason, I keep getting this feeling that the only time I really hear from them is when they need my help. The last time she called, it was to ask if Mylette, my sister, could come over and do her project. Since then, I hadn't heard from her at all.

Before that point, they called to ask me about lending them some money. And I'm sure if I go back more, I'll find that 90% of the time, they only call when they need something. Of course, our conversations revolve around how I'm doing and what's going on...but the fact of the matter is...the whole point in them calling is to see if I can assist them.

Now, maybe I'm wrong to be hurt inside. Maybe I'm just looking too deep into things. I called my mommy yesterday to see what she was up to and because I bought some ox tail for her from the commissary. We talked for about five minutes while she asked me how I was and blah de blah. And then she mentioned talking to my brother Marcus everyday or every other day and my heart sank.

I don't want to be the most loved and I'm sure my mom and dad loves us all equally...but it still hurts to think that I rarely talk to them and yet she talks to him so often. Then again, he usually calls her.

Maybe I should put more effort into staying in contact. I dunno. I just feel so bad that I get happy when they DO call...and yet they only call when they need something. I only call them when I have something to give them or wonder how they're doing.

Anyway, my mom came to the house today with my sister in the car and I handed her some milk, a box of healthy cereal (she loves it), and the ox tails. We spoke for about three minutes before she said she was going to go. My sister didn't even say hello at all. As they pulled away, I smiled and waved enthusiastically, but I could hear the distinctive sound of my heart breaking as I watched them disappear.

Dragging myself back into the house, I couldn't help but to think about it all day. Her and Marcus talk forever on the phone. I call and my mom gives me five minutes before leaving. Maybe it wouldn't hurt so bad if I hadn't done everything in my power to help them for years. All the money I could have saved and all the things I sacrificed just to help them keep their lights on...and it seems like they don't even remember. Like it's my job anyway to do it.

And it's not. As much as I feel inside that I should help as much as I can, I can't deny that I've overdone it for so long. All the money I ever made or had, I would give to them without hesitation and I'd never have anything for myself. All the promises of paying me back and never fulfilling them and I never once complained or confronted them about it. All the things I bought them just to make their lives just a little brighter.

And I feel like it's all for nothing. Like I did nothing at all. Sometimes I wonder if I just made up the entire thing.

Then again, I'm pregnant with girly emotions and such. Maybe I'm overreacting. But it just hurts my feelings. Mommy used to talk to me all the time. Now it's like she doesn't have time for me. I bet if I told them I had a job, they'd call me quite frequently.

Maybe they don't understand how I feel. Maybe they just don't think about how everything is effecting me. And that's ok, I guess. They're going through a lot of things and having to take care of bills and stuff. I just never wanted to be with my mom and feel like I was wasting her time or something.

And that's how I feel about it right now. Like I'm just wasting their time if I have nothing to offer.

Or maybe they're just ashamed of me because I'm pregnant...who knows...