There are days that I'm not so good though and everything gets to me. I spend the whole day being overly emotional about everything and usually, it's not even "good" emotions. It's more like sad and insecure and less confident and more pessimistic...that whole sit-on-the-couch-with-a-tub-of-ice-cream-crying-like-a-pansy kinda thing.
Today just so happened to be one of those days, unfortunately. I'd go from being overly happy to overly sad in like...two seconds. And eeeeverything made me sad today.
My mom finally called to talk to me about the tension between us and I got pretty happy about that because I was convinced that there was serious beef about me not coughing up money. Apparently, she said that daddy though I made up the story about Auntie Sharon holding my money and that I lied to them because I didn't want to give them any money.
1. Yes, it's true. I didn't want to give them money because I was pregnant and I'd already given them every cent I'd have for the past two years.
2. I don't lie to them. I tell them the truth and they know that.
She said that they figured I was being distant on purpose and not talking to them because I was insulted or something.
1. I called them to talk to them and gave them food that I bought.
2. When I did talk to them, THEY rushed me off.
Sooo at first, I was just happy that it was all a misunderstanding on their part...and I cried happy tears of faggotry.
Later, I started thinking more about it and getting rather pissed off...This is the second time...no...third time they've done this. This is the third time that something has happened and they've assumed the worse of me. That bothers me because EVERY TIME they've EVER assumed anything, they've been wrong.
Instance 1A. Quitting School:
I quit school to work full time for them because they needed more money. Not only that but my GPA dropped drastically when I fell ill and couldn't go to school on a super important day. I decided that I'd go to college after they stopped needing my help (because at the time, they needed sooo much from me). They didn't mention what they thought of this until after I saved Dan.
Instance 1B. Dan:
I had to move to my biological father's house to save Dan and I had to use the car money Carly had given me to do it. When they found out, I got a nasty call from my sister (who had overheard my parents talking) saying how I'd changed and how I care more about animals than about them and how I don't even care about anyone but myself...which is bullshit considering how much I've sacrificed for everyone else...especially my family.
So anyway, my mom and dad were like "You quit college and you're moving away with your biological father. Obviously you don't want anything out of life. You've changed for the worse and we don't like that. You just up and quit college because you don't want to do that anymore and gave up everything". I was so blown away by them saying this and being so negative without knowing the facts that it just hurt. I had to let them know REAL QUICK that I quit for them and that I still wanted to go to college and stuff. Then they were like ":D OOOOH! HERP DERP"
Instance 2. Taylor's Letter:
So Taylor wanted to get back at me for being around Quinton and being happy I wasn't with him or whatever. He writes a letter to my mom saying that I'm doing drugs and sleeping around and blah de blah de blah. I go home and my mother doesn't even THINK to ask my opinion on the matter. She just tells me to pack my bags and leave.
1. Why would you go on the word of some guy you don't even really know? I'm your daughter sooo shouldn't I at least get a say?
2. I've been antidrugs all my life. I've gone as far as dumping out my biological father's beer when I was younger just because I was so against it. Really? Yeah...silliness.
3. If you have a daughter and you have a clue that she may or may not be doing drugs or sleeping around or whatever...why wouldn't you WANT to talk to her? Why wouldn't you want to see if it's true or see if you can help her somehow? I guess this got to me the most. Why wouldn't she just talk to me about it or try to help me if I did happen to be doing drugs?
Later on, they were like ":D Oh...you weren't doing drugs and stuff? Oops?" Yeeaaaah. You guys are great. Admittedly, after all THAT happened and I got kicked out, I was like "What the fuck. Everything ELSE is fucked up so why not try it anyway." But that's a completely different story.
Instance 3. The Money:
And that brings us to the most current one.
Why. The. Fuck...do they keep assuming the worst in me? Have I not proven that doing such things is silly and wrong? Did I just not give enough? I've been a good student and a good daughter to them all my life. I've protected my siblings, cleaned my mother's house and practically gave them every dime I've ever EVER earned. Their lights were saved numerous times because of me. Their truck? I bought it for them. A lot of their clothes? I bought those too. What do I have to do for them to just...I don't know...stop fucking assuming things? It drives me crazy. Like I don't deserve them to actually find out the truth? or to assume that I'm NOT doing something horribly wrong? I think it stresses me out even MORE knowing WHY we haven't been talking.
So all day, I've been fucked up about that. I go and talk with Zane. Of course I don't want to blabber to him about my stressful morning because it's mostly hormonal and it's just...I don't know...silly stuff I don't want to bother him with. But talking to him wasn't so great at first because hormonally I was already screwed up and the poor guy didn't know what he was getting into.
I started getting super insecure about everything. About me and about if I was someone he should be with and even about whether he really did love me and want to be with me. I don't blame him for being surprised when I asked him if he still loved me. I was just so messed up.
As the day progressed, I started thinking that I was feeling better, but in reality, nothing was triggering any emotions really. I guess being severely emotional doesn't go away with an hour or two when you're pregnant. So by the end of the day, I started getting upset with Zane about stupid stuff really. He joked around a little and THAT hurt my feelings even though it shouldn't have. Just...everything was hurting my feelings. When we got off the phone, I was just angry and I didn't even know why. I hate feeling like this. I really do. I don't like crying all the time or constantly feeling bad or worthless or pathetic or shameful or self-conscious or anything.
I just want everything to go away. I'm tired of being pregnant and hormonal and used and judged. I'm tired of just about everything.
