The Thing About Fights

Sooooo apparently, me and Zane didn't break up at all. It was just a dispute that made us pretty distant for a few hours and I was pretty sure that we were through. The dispute was rather stupid, really, and after it was through and we made up, it left me with doubts.

Now, I don't want anything to come between me and Zane because I do love him and care about him and want us to be together. Still, I'm a paranoid creature and things like this leave a little stain no matter how hard I try to cover it up or wash it out. If something so small and so silly can almost tear us apart, what's that saying about our relationship?

A lot of days, something goes wrong and he feels terrible. Terrible about himself or his future or his current situation. We all have those days. It just seems like, his day will be going fine and then all of a sudden, it's not ok anymore. I guess it wouldn't bother me so much if it wasn't for the fact that I always feel so damn useless when he gets sad like that. There's nothing I can do or say that will make him feel better, so he'll go play games with his friends and then come back later feeling ok. It's nice that he has friends that make him feel better but I just wish there was something I could do to make him feel better too.

All I can really do is let him go off and play with his friends and just hope he had fun. Thaaat's about the extent of what I can do. Of course, this disappoints me greatly. I don't like it and I don't know how to help him more. It just leaves me feeling like it'll be this way forever. Sometimes I feel like I'm just...there. Not really good for anything else but to BE there.

And I guess little doubts like the ones that seeded themselves from our dispute pop up around then. Doubts about whether we can really make this work or if we'll really stay together for as long as we hope. It's not that I don't want to be with him but I'm still scared that something small will make us break up and then my world is toppled over again.

Maybe it'll change eventually. Maybe it won't. All I know is, fighting over little meaningless things isn't going to help pull us together. If anything, it'll slowly tear us apart.