Adoption Blues

So it's pretty late and I should be asleep by now. I'm tired and aching but I stayed up anyway. Partially, it's because I'm waiting for Zane so we can sleep together. The other part of it was taking the time I had to look up more stuff about adoption and stuff.

Went to a helpful site that told me pretty much everything I had to do and about the families that were willing and capable of adopting. I found two families who live relatively close who I really liked and I thought about filling out some papers Monday maybe.

The families are so hopeful for children and so loving and nice. It made me happy to know that I could make one of them happy and, at the same time, give Marisa a good stable home.

I know adoption would be the way to go. I'm not ready financially to take care of Marisa the way that I want to. I don't want her to struggle.

But maybe it's the pride in me that makes me feel so bad. Knowing that she's my child and having to know for the rest of my life that I couldn't even take care of her myself. That I gave a piece of myself away. I didn't want to get pregnant and I know that I can't handle it right now...but it hurts so bad knowing that some other family will raise her and make her happy and that I couldn't.

She'll grow up and look just like me and be successful and happy and I'll hardly ever get to know her. I won't get to tell her that I love her or know that I made her happy. I won't be there when she cries or when she gets hurt and I won't be there for her birthdays or for Christmas. And even if I am, it's not like she's mine anymore. I could show up and give her a gift or two and maybe spend time with her, but at the end of the day I'm going home without her.

It just hurts so much. I hate this so very much.