~Zane Wilson~

As if I could only talk about Zane in one paragraph. So this post is dedicated to him and everything he's shown me since we've been together.

Zane and I are almost...exactly...alike. If someone made a female version of him, I'd be it. We like the same things, same songs, same people, same...everything really. And although I've been with people before that have liked the same things as me, I've never ever ever in my entire life been with someone or known someone who reacted to things just like I do.

Zane and I realize that when a situation occurs, if one of us feels one way, there's a huuuuuge percentage that the other one feels the exact same way. At first, we were sure it was coincidence, but later we realized that we were just awesome and thought the same way.

Because we've been through bad relationships and things, we understand how each other feels. If I'm scared and start shutting down, he picks up on it right away and stops me and vice versa. With Taylor, I was stuck in a relationship where he couldn't pinpoint how I was feeling or why. He could guess, of course, but often times he'd be wrong. Other times, he'd know why I was feeling a certain way and would just demand that I stop instead of trying to make me feel better.

Zane isn't like that though. When he pinpoints how I'm feeling, he tells me why I feel that way and it's true. He's super good at it. He doesn't tell me that the way I'm feeling is stupid. He tells me that he understands and that it'll be ok and he works to help me feel better.

We're in tune with each other and we fully understand each other and the way we act or respond in certain ways to certain situations. We rebuild each other and strengthen each other.

Some will say that it's much too soon for love to become a part of our relationship. The only person I've ever loved in my past was Taylor and even that took me years of knowing him before I actually felt any kind of love for him.

But this is different and here's the reason I think. Zane is practically me in a male form. I love myself to death and I think I'm the most awesome individual on the planet. Because these two things are true, I love Zane. He's just like me and who's more awesome than me? Psh, no one. He's amazing, awesome, and brilliant. He's adorable and sweet to sweep me off my feet, romantic and funny, and smart and dedicated. He's big and strong to protect me from anything that comes our way but he's also sensitive and caring.

He's the first good boyfriend I've ever had. He's a nice guy but he has his twist with people he doesn't like. He's the perfect blend of everything I could ever want and he's all mine.

There isn't anyone I can think of who could compare to him. No one I've ever dated could ever touch my life in such a short period of time like my Zane. In fact, none of my pasts boyfriends touched my life in a positive way period.

Zane is the most wonderful thing that's happened to me and when I woke up this morning, I smiled to think that he wasn't just a dream after all. He's my knight in shining armor and the person I wouldn't mind spending the rest of my life with. The hesitation of living with Taylor isn't present when I think about living with Zane. I'm so comfortable around him and I feel like I've known and been with him all my life.

I love him.

From Past to Present

I woke up this morning feeling wonderful, brilliant, beautiful, and empowered. I ate a hearty breakfast of ravioli and wandered back here to reread things in my life. Like I mentioned before, a lot has changed. Let's get caught up to the present.

:Topics of the past:

-Dan

-Taylor

Dan: Dan was doing super great back when I was taking care of him; however when I decided to move to Taylor's house that long time ago, my biological father didn't approve. He drove me back home to Midway, Ga with my mom instead and I had to try to take care of Dan the best I could in that environment.

Mind you, it wasn't a bad environment but I was being a bratty depressed person who happened to be angry with the world and its plans to destroy the things I wanted to do. I still took care of Dan and he grew up to be pretty big pretty fast. Everyone loved him, especially me.

But eventually, I grew tired of being boxed in a house with severe limits and being trapped in the country where you had to go to the next city for any actual groceries. I started having my friends take me out to get away, leaving Dan with my family.

They weren't too fond of that idea, and eventually, Dan was moved outside. Shortly afterward, I got kicked out of my house (but more into that later) and moved back in with my aunt. I couldn't bring Dan because my aunt was allergic.

Eventually, I got the news that Dan had died shortly after I moved. He was shot by neighbors. =/

Taylor: Taylor was my boyfriend that I talked about a lot in late 2009. He was still my boyfriend for a lot of 2010 but we split up. After we split, he tried everything in his power to hurt me. He called me frequently telling me he loved me and he hated me and blah blah blah. Eventually, he decided that a good way to get me back was to send a letter to my mom's facebook account telling her I did drugs and slept around with intents of getting hurt or something and that I told him all this.

Such foolish talk was so ridiculous that I was sure my mother would take my side when I told her it wasn't true. After all, I'd been against drugs my entire life due to my biological father's bad habits as I grew up.

I got kicked out because of it. Quinton let me stay with him for a day before my aunt picked me up and now I'm living with her.

Honestly, I'm so glad I'm not with him anymore. I remember distinctly Carly reading the signs of an abusive relationship and we discovered that, well, all the signs related to us. He was a bad boyfriend. One who insisted on a dominant/submissive relationship but with no actual idea of how to be a good dom. He thrived on tearing us down when it suited him best and tearing us away from friends and family just to satisfy his lonely needs. No more, I'm no longer a prisoner in his ridiculous world.

:Topics of the present:

-Me

-Family

-Friends

-Zane

Me: A lot has changed for me since not being with Taylor. I dated Quinton Bruner for a while but it really wasn't because I wanted to. It was more because he was forceful and didn't give a crap about how I felt or what I wanted. He'd push himself onto me and I'd be left feeling like it was my fault (partially because of the emotional crap I dealt with after Taylor and I split, and partially because I talked to Quinton and expected some kind of easy friendship despite his obsession with me).

So we dated for a while which apparently meant to him that anything he wanted to do, we were going to do. And if we happened to not do it, he'd be angry and make me anyway. Really, I was in no position to fight against him as I was emotional in turmoil and physically weaker than him. Not to say that I didn't try, but for the most part, any fighting was in vain.

So now I'm pregnant with his child and we are no longer together. He told me it was his plan to get me pregnant the entire time so that no one else would want me and he could be with me forever. His plans didn't quite go according to plan, obviously, because we aren't together and I couldn't care less if he was hit by a train.

I'm scheduled to give birth around May 12th of this year.

Family: I'm rather ok with my family. No big arguments and for the most part, they've remained supportive of me. I've started talking to my biological father again and accepting him as part of my life instead of constantly trying to push him out due to bad blood from the past. He's helped me the best he could, especially after I told him I was pregnant. I don't absolutely love the guy, but he's not so bad now.

I stopped giving my mom and dad money recently. For the most part, I couldn't get the money for them even if I tried. I have about $670 in my aunt's bank account that she's holding for me so I won't spend it on moolattes or blizzards. Saying 'no' because I couldn't actually give them money even if I wanted to felt horrible and wonderful at the same time. For so long, I felt like I was being used and taken advantage of. Promises to pay me back were never fulfilled and I wondered if he even remembered that such promises were made to begin with. And for once in my life, I can save money for myself and for when I really need it instead of giving it all away. It felt horrible at first though...because I feel that if I can help my family, I should. And I know I can't help them right now...but it didn't stop me from wanting to.

Friends: The number of friends I maintain contact with and hang out with are almost none. I'll admit that I'm ashamed of my pregnancy and that some of my friends have ditched me because of the fact that I'm pregnant. I'm still scared of rejection, so I stay indoors for the most part in hopes that when I do go out, no one I recognize will see and ridicule me. The only actual friends I have are Mitzy, Carlos, and Zane now. Oddly, I'm quite satisfied with that.

Zane: Onto the best thing that's ever happened to me. Zane Wilson and I met back up after a little while of not being around each other. Back when I was dating Taylor, I'd met Zane and noticed that he was actually a very entertaining, funny, and awesomely cool guy. He was one of Taylor's friends but he was also one of mine and I enjoyed his company and his conversations immensely.

Fast forward to present day and he's the love of my life. We got together on November 18th 2010 and it's only January 29 now. It feels like we've been together forever though.

When We Were Young

When I was super duper young, like I mentioned in my very first post, I kept lots of diaries, blogs, and stories involving my life. I liked to keep my secrets in writing and detail things about my life that might interest someone who would pick it up later. I wanted to be as famous as Anne Frank was for her diary.

Also mentioned before, I grew out of such phases and now, it's exceptionally important to me to NOT be recognized for my diary entries or the writings involving my life. Most of my diary entries written on paper are angsty or confused, like any preteen's would be. Whenever I would look back at things I used to write, if it sounded silly or just wasn't true anymore, I tended to rip them out. I was so very intent on erasing the embarrassing and confusing times in my life.

As I stumbled back onto this blog post thingie, I started rereading everything I'd posted in 2009. Most of the things I'd written had changed and some of them were quite embarrassing (like actually permitting myself to be with someone like Taylor). I was half tempted to erase everything and just start over but I don't think I'll be doing that this time.

I think I'm going to keep it all here so that one day, when I'm feeling blue, I can look back and see where I came from and where I am now. That would most certainly motivate a smile.