I love my mother, I really do. Before yesterday, I hadn't talked to her in quite a while. For some reason, I keep getting this feeling that the only time I really hear from them is when they need my help. The last time she called, it was to ask if Mylette, my sister, could come over and do her project. Since then, I hadn't heard from her at all.
Before that point, they called to ask me about lending them some money. And I'm sure if I go back more, I'll find that 90% of the time, they only call when they need something. Of course, our conversations revolve around how I'm doing and what's going on...but the fact of the matter is...the whole point in them calling is to see if I can assist them.
Now, maybe I'm wrong to be hurt inside. Maybe I'm just looking too deep into things. I called my mommy yesterday to see what she was up to and because I bought some ox tail for her from the commissary. We talked for about five minutes while she asked me how I was and blah de blah. And then she mentioned talking to my brother Marcus everyday or every other day and my heart sank.
I don't want to be the most loved and I'm sure my mom and dad loves us all equally...but it still hurts to think that I rarely talk to them and yet she talks to him so often. Then again, he usually calls her.
Maybe I should put more effort into staying in contact. I dunno. I just feel so bad that I get happy when they DO call...and yet they only call when they need something. I only call them when I have something to give them or wonder how they're doing.
Anyway, my mom came to the house today with my sister in the car and I handed her some milk, a box of healthy cereal (she loves it), and the ox tails. We spoke for about three minutes before she said she was going to go. My sister didn't even say hello at all. As they pulled away, I smiled and waved enthusiastically, but I could hear the distinctive sound of my heart breaking as I watched them disappear.
Dragging myself back into the house, I couldn't help but to think about it all day. Her and Marcus talk forever on the phone. I call and my mom gives me five minutes before leaving. Maybe it wouldn't hurt so bad if I hadn't done everything in my power to help them for years. All the money I could have saved and all the things I sacrificed just to help them keep their lights on...and it seems like they don't even remember. Like it's my job anyway to do it.
And it's not. As much as I feel inside that I should help as much as I can, I can't deny that I've overdone it for so long. All the money I ever made or had, I would give to them without hesitation and I'd never have anything for myself. All the promises of paying me back and never fulfilling them and I never once complained or confronted them about it. All the things I bought them just to make their lives just a little brighter.
And I feel like it's all for nothing. Like I did nothing at all. Sometimes I wonder if I just made up the entire thing.
Then again, I'm pregnant with girly emotions and such. Maybe I'm overreacting. But it just hurts my feelings. Mommy used to talk to me all the time. Now it's like she doesn't have time for me. I bet if I told them I had a job, they'd call me quite frequently.
Maybe they don't understand how I feel. Maybe they just don't think about how everything is effecting me. And that's ok, I guess. They're going through a lot of things and having to take care of bills and stuff. I just never wanted to be with my mom and feel like I was wasting her time or something.
And that's how I feel about it right now. Like I'm just wasting their time if I have nothing to offer.
Or maybe they're just ashamed of me because I'm pregnant...who knows...
No comments:
Post a Comment