Eventually, all the things I stress about come up in conversation and me and Zane talk it out. Not like I mean for it to go that way, but Zane just seems to say the right thing or ask about the right thing that I just so happen to be thinking about or stressing over and stuffies.
He mentioned being excited for May, like we always talk about. And then he through me off guard when he also mentioned being excited for Marisa. It always touches me when he calls her his little princess and talk about how he's going to spoil her (even though I'm toootally not letting him XD). Talking about how she's his girl and everything just...I dunno, it makes me tear up because I'm so worried about it.
We all know it's going to be hard. He knows it and I know it and we both know that we aren't ready for a child. I know that adoption would be the easier route for us both so we can wait until we're ready to start our family.
But he seems to realize that we probably won't be giving her up, and although he's not ready for a kid, he's excited and he's willing to try anyway. The way he talks about being excited for her and about how she's our daughter just...I don't know...it makes me feel so happy and it makes me worry less about it. I'm still scared, don't get me wrong, but a lot less. I just want all of us to be happy and for everything to work out even if the road to get to that point is bumpy.
I just love Zane so much. I know he'll always be there for me and our daughter. She'll always have loving parents.
Sunday, April 3, 2011
The Difference
Yesterday night, I made a mistake. Zane was upset and angry with me because I told him I talked to Chris and that I wasn't very polite to him during our conversation. I was confused by his anger and started feeling pretty upset with myself too. When this happens, I don't think straight. All I can think about is "Man, I just always screw everything up" and my default reaction to that is to try to get away.
I knew he was upset with me and I also knew that leaving wouldn't be a good idea, but when I get like that, I start to panic a little and all I know to do at that point is to hide. Not from Zane, so much, but from the embarrassment of another mistake. Something else I did wrong that I should have done right.
I know trying to run or hide isn't a good idea with Zane and I know I should have taken a deep breath and thought it out before resorting to what I always do. I guess I've carried that from when I used to be with Taylor. Hiding and running away was the only way to make it better because he'd intentionally try to wreck me otherwise. But this is Zane and he doesn't deserve that from me. I need to try harder at breaking the habits I've acquired over my past relationships because this relationship is nothing like anything I've ever had.
I know that he doesn't like Chris, but he kept saying I should talk to him to the point where I thought maybe that's what he wanted. Maybe he wanted me to have a friend outside of just him or something, I dunno. Yes, talking to Chris again, despite having permission, hurt Zane a little and that made me sad because I never want to hurt him. I think he was more upset with how I treated Chris, though.
Honestly, I can understand. I'm constantly angry at the people he hangs out with because he's sooo good to them and they treat him like trash and he doesn't deserve that. Yeeeet, here I am, treating someone who was there for me when I needed it like he means nothing to me.
But honestly, he doesn't. Chris doesn't mean a thing to me. I'm much closer to Carlos and Mitzy than I can ever be with Chris.
Carlos and Mitzy have helped me through so much over the years. There was a point where I was literally starving but too proud to admit it to anyone and too proud to accept any money or food and Carlos still made me eat with him. They would constantly take me out to eat and Mitzy even bought me a big bag of rice before. They took me out to see different places, always had my back, even paid for my grad night during my senior year and for prom. Both of their parents are so supportive of me as well. Carlos' mom bought me a bassinet for Marisa, Mitzy's parents got me a stroller and the phone that I'm currently using. The three of us are close and will probably always be. Our friendship and loyalty to each other is true and strong.
My friendship with Chris was completely different. He started off as an admirer. He didn't have a crush on me or anything, but he was definitely captivated by my presence and my personality. We first started talking when me and Taylor first got together. He thought I was brilliant and smart and strong, someone he thought he needed to be close to.
Eventually, as my relationship with Taylor went down and I needed someone to talk to, I'd start talking to Chris about all of my problems. He was sweet and listened with genuine concern and he'd try to help me the best he could. Poor guy wasn't very good with words when it came down to helping someone, but that hardly mattered since all I really needed was someone to listen to me.
The problem is, he's always been attracted to me. Never had a crush on me or anything, but was always severely attracted to me regardless. At first, I found no problem with this since...come on...I'm Tephie e.e, but after a while, it DID start to bother me.
I started thinking that his whole friendship with me revolved around him being sexually attracted to me which wasn't a far-fetched idea in my mind. Sometimes he'd call drunk, talk about how sexy I was to him and how he wanted me even if it was just for a night. Talk like that continued towards the end of our friendship and I felt increasingly uncomfortable with him for a long while.
But I stayed his friend because he was also depressed. Clinically so, actually. When I needed him to listen, he was always there and so I felt that I needed to be there for him too during his bouts of sadness and low self-esteem.
When I first got together with Zane and I told him, he wasn't so sure about him (and considering my past with guys, who could blame him). Buuuut it was after the first couple of days when he said that he was "a little jealous for some reason" that I started being a little more distant with him.
Eventually, I started purposefully missing his phone calls. Especially when Zane called.
When Zane told me not to talk to him anymore, I was completely fine with that. I stayed fine with it and would have been fine with it even now.
I guess I'm just not that comfortable around Chris anymore. I don't like how our friendship used to be except for how he helped me when I needed someone to talk to. I didn't like the sound of his voice when I mentioned still being with Zane. I mean, he wasn't mean but it almost sounded like he was a little let down that he and I were still together. He never voiced that opinion and his tone had dropped so slightly that I doubt he knew I caught it. But I know Chris.
I'm fine with him depending on me for someone to make him feel better. It's the least I can do for him after all he's helped me through. But I'm not fine with feeling like he's clinging on to me too much or in a way he shouldn't. And maybe that's why I'm not as friendly and giddy to talk to him. He isn't a bad guy, honestly...but he isn't a person I would fight to keep in my life either.
I would fight for Carlos and Mitzy, always. But for Chris? I mean, I fought for him in my relationship with Taylor...because I needed to. I needed someone to talk to and to escape Taylor. But with Zane that isn't necessary. I don't want to run from Zane. I have Zane to talk to. Although Chris was there for me when I needed him most, I helped him a lot with his problems and depression too.
As far as I'm concerned, he and I are even.
I knew he was upset with me and I also knew that leaving wouldn't be a good idea, but when I get like that, I start to panic a little and all I know to do at that point is to hide. Not from Zane, so much, but from the embarrassment of another mistake. Something else I did wrong that I should have done right.
I know trying to run or hide isn't a good idea with Zane and I know I should have taken a deep breath and thought it out before resorting to what I always do. I guess I've carried that from when I used to be with Taylor. Hiding and running away was the only way to make it better because he'd intentionally try to wreck me otherwise. But this is Zane and he doesn't deserve that from me. I need to try harder at breaking the habits I've acquired over my past relationships because this relationship is nothing like anything I've ever had.
I know that he doesn't like Chris, but he kept saying I should talk to him to the point where I thought maybe that's what he wanted. Maybe he wanted me to have a friend outside of just him or something, I dunno. Yes, talking to Chris again, despite having permission, hurt Zane a little and that made me sad because I never want to hurt him. I think he was more upset with how I treated Chris, though.
Honestly, I can understand. I'm constantly angry at the people he hangs out with because he's sooo good to them and they treat him like trash and he doesn't deserve that. Yeeeet, here I am, treating someone who was there for me when I needed it like he means nothing to me.
But honestly, he doesn't. Chris doesn't mean a thing to me. I'm much closer to Carlos and Mitzy than I can ever be with Chris.
Carlos and Mitzy have helped me through so much over the years. There was a point where I was literally starving but too proud to admit it to anyone and too proud to accept any money or food and Carlos still made me eat with him. They would constantly take me out to eat and Mitzy even bought me a big bag of rice before. They took me out to see different places, always had my back, even paid for my grad night during my senior year and for prom. Both of their parents are so supportive of me as well. Carlos' mom bought me a bassinet for Marisa, Mitzy's parents got me a stroller and the phone that I'm currently using. The three of us are close and will probably always be. Our friendship and loyalty to each other is true and strong.
My friendship with Chris was completely different. He started off as an admirer. He didn't have a crush on me or anything, but he was definitely captivated by my presence and my personality. We first started talking when me and Taylor first got together. He thought I was brilliant and smart and strong, someone he thought he needed to be close to.
Eventually, as my relationship with Taylor went down and I needed someone to talk to, I'd start talking to Chris about all of my problems. He was sweet and listened with genuine concern and he'd try to help me the best he could. Poor guy wasn't very good with words when it came down to helping someone, but that hardly mattered since all I really needed was someone to listen to me.
The problem is, he's always been attracted to me. Never had a crush on me or anything, but was always severely attracted to me regardless. At first, I found no problem with this since...come on...I'm Tephie e.e, but after a while, it DID start to bother me.
I started thinking that his whole friendship with me revolved around him being sexually attracted to me which wasn't a far-fetched idea in my mind. Sometimes he'd call drunk, talk about how sexy I was to him and how he wanted me even if it was just for a night. Talk like that continued towards the end of our friendship and I felt increasingly uncomfortable with him for a long while.
But I stayed his friend because he was also depressed. Clinically so, actually. When I needed him to listen, he was always there and so I felt that I needed to be there for him too during his bouts of sadness and low self-esteem.
When I first got together with Zane and I told him, he wasn't so sure about him (and considering my past with guys, who could blame him). Buuuut it was after the first couple of days when he said that he was "a little jealous for some reason" that I started being a little more distant with him.
Eventually, I started purposefully missing his phone calls. Especially when Zane called.
When Zane told me not to talk to him anymore, I was completely fine with that. I stayed fine with it and would have been fine with it even now.
I guess I'm just not that comfortable around Chris anymore. I don't like how our friendship used to be except for how he helped me when I needed someone to talk to. I didn't like the sound of his voice when I mentioned still being with Zane. I mean, he wasn't mean but it almost sounded like he was a little let down that he and I were still together. He never voiced that opinion and his tone had dropped so slightly that I doubt he knew I caught it. But I know Chris.
I'm fine with him depending on me for someone to make him feel better. It's the least I can do for him after all he's helped me through. But I'm not fine with feeling like he's clinging on to me too much or in a way he shouldn't. And maybe that's why I'm not as friendly and giddy to talk to him. He isn't a bad guy, honestly...but he isn't a person I would fight to keep in my life either.
I would fight for Carlos and Mitzy, always. But for Chris? I mean, I fought for him in my relationship with Taylor...because I needed to. I needed someone to talk to and to escape Taylor. But with Zane that isn't necessary. I don't want to run from Zane. I have Zane to talk to. Although Chris was there for me when I needed him most, I helped him a lot with his problems and depression too.
As far as I'm concerned, he and I are even.
Prenatal Vitamin's Are Important, Yo.
I meant to blog yesterday or the day before but I wasn't really feeling good for some reason. Everything I ate just made my stomach feel bad, and not in the "I wanna throw up" kind of way either. Soooo I hardly ate for a while and whenever I forced myself to eat something for the sake of my own health and for Marisa's, I'd just feel...blah...
Today was pretty much the same. Took a few bites of grits and eggs and felt sick to my stomach for most of the day. That's when I glanced over at the bottle of prenatal pills that I should have been taking everyday (but had skipped out on for...like a month?). I didn't really think it would help but I took one anyway. The prenatal vitamins have a lot of stuff that pregnant women need (duh) like iron and stuff. Not that I thought I was deprived of iron...although I very well could have been. Still, took one and waited for a while so I could decide "Oh, they don't work. Good, I never have to take them again."
Turns out I felt muuuch better and was able to eat without feeling sick. My stomach didn't hurt at all and I feel much livelier. So anyway, a few things have happened over the past few days that I wanted to talk about but never had a chance to get around to.
1. Quinton
So the last time I spoke with him, I told him never to talk to me again and that I never wanted to hear or see him. So far, so good. My life has been waaay less stressful and I've been thoroughly enjoying his absence from my life. Really, I can only hope that it stays this way for...pretty much forever. Best case scenario ever.
2. Neediness
I was pretty upset a few days ago during the whole Adam incident when I didn't know what was going on and felt that Adam was severely out of line for calling Zane out of class. I simultaneously decided on that day that I needed to be less needy because I was pretty sure Zane couldn't handle yet another person constantly calling on him and stuff.
Like I mentioned in my other post, I'm pretty needy but I'm not severely open about it. It's something that I keep more to myself and hint at than something I make loud and clear and that's really because I don't want to bother Zane constantly and I don't want him to feel like I need him to do things for me when he doesn't want to do them. I automatically assumed that him not tending to whatever needs I may have hinted to having was due to either having too many people he needed to tend to or his inability to tend to a needy girlfriend.
Although I still think he has quite a few people who depend on him that he has to tend to, him not tending to whatever needs I may have had were actually my fault. He's very well in tune with me and how I feel but he made it known that I have to be clearer when I need him instead of leaving severely subtle hints. I understand what he was saying and I just never thought about it that way. All I thought about was "I shouldn't bother him sooo I'll hint at it and if he has time for me, he'll be there."
The problem with that comes when I get upset about it. Yeah, a lot of times, I wonder if he's psychic because he's just so in tune with me, but that doesn't mean I don't have to let him know what I need.
I woke up a couple of days ago and felt rather lonely. I thought "e.e I'll text Zane because he told me to tell him when I need him. He's probably sleeping though and he totally won't respond." So I text him telling him I needed him because I was lonely.
Right when I thought I had proven my point to myself, he comes online and spends time with me. To say the least, I was overly excited AND surprised. Just like he said, he was there right when I called for him. I have to admit that I was ashamed of myself for ever doubting his word.
So I guess that means I don't have to stop being needy, and instead, I just need to express myself more. Since expressing myself more, I've found that I'm much more content and happy.
3. The Baby
Marissa is supposed to pop out next month and although I'm not panicking or nervous about exploding...I am nervous about something else.
Me and Zane haven't talked about it much but I'm sure he's aware that I'm most likely keeping her. I feel like...I dunno...my entire argument for not keeping her...most of it...has been completely destroyed by what my biological father said in response to all of my points. Now, I feel like if I continue with giving her up, then the points I made for giving her up were never actually the reasons why I was giving her up. Me continuing to give her up despite most of my argument being wrecked would have just been my own selfishness at that point. And I just can't live with knowing that I gave her up despite everything I know now. Despite realizing that my argument lost in the end. I would have felt miserable, selfish, and irresponsible. Someone who isn't fit to ever be a mother, really.
Not only that, but I'm nervous about Zane visiting. Not because I'm nervous of him seeing me and being with me and stuff, but about where he's going to stay and if he makes it on time and stuff. We know that until I give birth, he and I are going to be at a hotel that my mom and dad are helping me to pay for...
Buuuut let's say I give birth early and he's not able to get down here? I want him down here for it. I want to know that he's there with me and I want to be cuddled when I'm recovering and stuff.
And if my biological father gets me that condo he says he'll get me by May, hopefully Zane can spend the entire summer with me. I would love that soooo much. I mean, of course my family would want me around but...spending that time with Zane is more important to me because I know he has to leave when the summer is over. Plus, it'd be cheaper.
But I'm scared that our time might get ruined because of the baby. She might cry all the time and make him upset or annoyed or something and make him want to leave early. Or maybe...I dunno. I'm just very very very very nervous about being with Zane and the baby...especially since he might not be too fond of her when she's born and stuff because she's not really his by blood.
So yes, I'm severely nervous and anxious and slightly stressed out about what might happen in May...buuut oddly, I'm not at all nervous about the actual painful explosion my lower body will have to endure due to Marisa.
4. Chris
So I stopped talking to Chris for a long while because he disrespected my relationship with Zane. I was fine with this decision despite how good of a friend Chris was to me when I needed him the most. Not that I never cared about our friendship or anything, but Zane meant much more to me than he did so not talking to him wasn't something that ached me at all.
He continuously messaged me and called my phone wondering if I was alive and stuffies but I never once went against Zane's wishes and spoke to him. Like I mentioned before, it wasn't a big deal because I'd pick Zane over Chris any day and everyday.
When Zane said I could talk to him and explain to him how he should respect our relationship and stuffies, I wasn't going to actually talk to him. After all, it'd been so long since I'd held conversation with him and I didn't even know what we'd talk about if we did start talking again. I mean, I mostly just talk to Zane now about everything...whiiiich kinda made Chris...obsolete? I know that's terrible to say, but really, my friendship with Chris involved us telling each other all the emotional problems we were having and stuff. I have that in Zane so now my friendship with Chris, if I revive it, has to be completely different.
So anyway, he messages me again and I decide to answer. We actually didn't talk about much because he was too busy being severely surprised and shocked that I actually responded. He didn't even ask me why I hadn't spoken to him in so long and instead, jumped into asking me about what I'd been up to and how I was doing.
I dunno if me and Chris are going to continue talking or what. Talking to him is...whatever, really. It's nothing special that I'm looking forward to and the entire time I talked to him, it felt more like a chore than...anything.
Maybe I should stop thinking that way though. That's mean after all the nice things he's done for me in the past. I should be nice to him.
Today was pretty much the same. Took a few bites of grits and eggs and felt sick to my stomach for most of the day. That's when I glanced over at the bottle of prenatal pills that I should have been taking everyday (but had skipped out on for...like a month?). I didn't really think it would help but I took one anyway. The prenatal vitamins have a lot of stuff that pregnant women need (duh) like iron and stuff. Not that I thought I was deprived of iron...although I very well could have been. Still, took one and waited for a while so I could decide "Oh, they don't work. Good, I never have to take them again."
Turns out I felt muuuch better and was able to eat without feeling sick. My stomach didn't hurt at all and I feel much livelier. So anyway, a few things have happened over the past few days that I wanted to talk about but never had a chance to get around to.
1. Quinton
So the last time I spoke with him, I told him never to talk to me again and that I never wanted to hear or see him. So far, so good. My life has been waaay less stressful and I've been thoroughly enjoying his absence from my life. Really, I can only hope that it stays this way for...pretty much forever. Best case scenario ever.
2. Neediness
I was pretty upset a few days ago during the whole Adam incident when I didn't know what was going on and felt that Adam was severely out of line for calling Zane out of class. I simultaneously decided on that day that I needed to be less needy because I was pretty sure Zane couldn't handle yet another person constantly calling on him and stuff.
Like I mentioned in my other post, I'm pretty needy but I'm not severely open about it. It's something that I keep more to myself and hint at than something I make loud and clear and that's really because I don't want to bother Zane constantly and I don't want him to feel like I need him to do things for me when he doesn't want to do them. I automatically assumed that him not tending to whatever needs I may have hinted to having was due to either having too many people he needed to tend to or his inability to tend to a needy girlfriend.
Although I still think he has quite a few people who depend on him that he has to tend to, him not tending to whatever needs I may have had were actually my fault. He's very well in tune with me and how I feel but he made it known that I have to be clearer when I need him instead of leaving severely subtle hints. I understand what he was saying and I just never thought about it that way. All I thought about was "I shouldn't bother him sooo I'll hint at it and if he has time for me, he'll be there."
The problem with that comes when I get upset about it. Yeah, a lot of times, I wonder if he's psychic because he's just so in tune with me, but that doesn't mean I don't have to let him know what I need.
I woke up a couple of days ago and felt rather lonely. I thought "e.e I'll text Zane because he told me to tell him when I need him. He's probably sleeping though and he totally won't respond." So I text him telling him I needed him because I was lonely.
Right when I thought I had proven my point to myself, he comes online and spends time with me. To say the least, I was overly excited AND surprised. Just like he said, he was there right when I called for him. I have to admit that I was ashamed of myself for ever doubting his word.
So I guess that means I don't have to stop being needy, and instead, I just need to express myself more. Since expressing myself more, I've found that I'm much more content and happy.
3. The Baby
Marissa is supposed to pop out next month and although I'm not panicking or nervous about exploding...I am nervous about something else.
Me and Zane haven't talked about it much but I'm sure he's aware that I'm most likely keeping her. I feel like...I dunno...my entire argument for not keeping her...most of it...has been completely destroyed by what my biological father said in response to all of my points. Now, I feel like if I continue with giving her up, then the points I made for giving her up were never actually the reasons why I was giving her up. Me continuing to give her up despite most of my argument being wrecked would have just been my own selfishness at that point. And I just can't live with knowing that I gave her up despite everything I know now. Despite realizing that my argument lost in the end. I would have felt miserable, selfish, and irresponsible. Someone who isn't fit to ever be a mother, really.
Not only that, but I'm nervous about Zane visiting. Not because I'm nervous of him seeing me and being with me and stuff, but about where he's going to stay and if he makes it on time and stuff. We know that until I give birth, he and I are going to be at a hotel that my mom and dad are helping me to pay for...
Buuuut let's say I give birth early and he's not able to get down here? I want him down here for it. I want to know that he's there with me and I want to be cuddled when I'm recovering and stuff.
And if my biological father gets me that condo he says he'll get me by May, hopefully Zane can spend the entire summer with me. I would love that soooo much. I mean, of course my family would want me around but...spending that time with Zane is more important to me because I know he has to leave when the summer is over. Plus, it'd be cheaper.
But I'm scared that our time might get ruined because of the baby. She might cry all the time and make him upset or annoyed or something and make him want to leave early. Or maybe...I dunno. I'm just very very very very nervous about being with Zane and the baby...especially since he might not be too fond of her when she's born and stuff because she's not really his by blood.
So yes, I'm severely nervous and anxious and slightly stressed out about what might happen in May...buuut oddly, I'm not at all nervous about the actual painful explosion my lower body will have to endure due to Marisa.
4. Chris
So I stopped talking to Chris for a long while because he disrespected my relationship with Zane. I was fine with this decision despite how good of a friend Chris was to me when I needed him the most. Not that I never cared about our friendship or anything, but Zane meant much more to me than he did so not talking to him wasn't something that ached me at all.
He continuously messaged me and called my phone wondering if I was alive and stuffies but I never once went against Zane's wishes and spoke to him. Like I mentioned before, it wasn't a big deal because I'd pick Zane over Chris any day and everyday.
When Zane said I could talk to him and explain to him how he should respect our relationship and stuffies, I wasn't going to actually talk to him. After all, it'd been so long since I'd held conversation with him and I didn't even know what we'd talk about if we did start talking again. I mean, I mostly just talk to Zane now about everything...whiiiich kinda made Chris...obsolete? I know that's terrible to say, but really, my friendship with Chris involved us telling each other all the emotional problems we were having and stuff. I have that in Zane so now my friendship with Chris, if I revive it, has to be completely different.
So anyway, he messages me again and I decide to answer. We actually didn't talk about much because he was too busy being severely surprised and shocked that I actually responded. He didn't even ask me why I hadn't spoken to him in so long and instead, jumped into asking me about what I'd been up to and how I was doing.
I dunno if me and Chris are going to continue talking or what. Talking to him is...whatever, really. It's nothing special that I'm looking forward to and the entire time I talked to him, it felt more like a chore than...anything.
Maybe I should stop thinking that way though. That's mean after all the nice things he's done for me in the past. I should be nice to him.
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