Mine or not?

Today I decided that I can't keep putting off this whole adoption process if I'm actually going to do it since I'm preeetty far along now. I started scouting out couples looking to adopt that don't live too far away from Georgia (so that they can easily get to me when I give birth and stuffies). Found a few couples that seem so very nice and are super ready to introduce a newborn child into their lives.

Reading their letters to "birthmothers" and stuff always makes me feel bad...especially one that was like "We'll have your child's pictures in our albums and teach them this and that" or describing how holidays would be like with "bows in her hair" and stuff. It made me really sad to picture my child doing all the things I wish I could do with her...but with someone else.

I guess I just have this stubborn pride in me that just needs to take care of my things. I have it with my siblings and with my friends and with...all my stuff, really. And Marisa is my child. She's my first and although I didn't plan on her coming, she's still mine. It just breaks my heart to know that someone else is going to do all the things I wish I could. Someone else is going to provide for her because I can't and someone else is going to have her in their albums when she should be in mine.

It's hard, it really is. And I almost want to be like "NO! I KEEP HER D<". But at the same time, I really really really can't afford to keep her. I can't provide for her and I don't have anything to offer her right now. If I work (and I'll have to), I'll have to send her to a daycare or some babysitter that I don't know...or make my family watch her and I really don't want that. I want to be able to take care of her without having to rely on the world to help me. And I don't want her to struggle. I want her to have good Christmas days and be able to travel and do art and be the person she wants to be.

These families that are looking to adopt are ready for children and I'm just not. I wish I was, I really do, but I'm not. No matter what I do, I'll feel bad and good at the same time. I mean, if I give her up, I'd feel bad for giving her up but good about giving her a better home. And if I don't, I'd feel bad about not giving her a better home but good about having her.

The better choice is to give her up. I don't want her to be surrounded by all the bullshit that Quinton and his family is capable of. I don't want her around his drugged out crazy mother. I want her to grow up in a wholesome family who can give her everything she could ever possible need and want.

I emailed one of the families earlier today to see if they wanted to talk. I guess we'll see where we go from there.