The Difference

Yesterday night, I made a mistake. Zane was upset and angry with me because I told him I talked to Chris and that I wasn't very polite to him during our conversation. I was confused by his anger and started feeling pretty upset with myself too. When this happens, I don't think straight. All I can think about is "Man, I just always screw everything up" and my default reaction to that is to try to get away.

I knew he was upset with me and I also knew that leaving wouldn't be a good idea, but when I get like that, I start to panic a little and all I know to do at that point is to hide. Not from Zane, so much, but from the embarrassment of another mistake. Something else I did wrong that I should have done right.

I know trying to run or hide isn't a good idea with Zane and I know I should have taken a deep breath and thought it out before resorting to what I always do. I guess I've carried that from when I used to be with Taylor. Hiding and running away was the only way to make it better because he'd intentionally try to wreck me otherwise. But this is Zane and he doesn't deserve that from me. I need to try harder at breaking the habits I've acquired over my past relationships because this relationship is nothing like anything I've ever had.

I know that he doesn't like Chris, but he kept saying I should talk to him to the point where I thought maybe that's what he wanted. Maybe he wanted me to have a friend outside of just him or something, I dunno. Yes, talking to Chris again, despite having permission, hurt Zane a little and that made me sad because I never want to hurt him. I think he was more upset with how I treated Chris, though.

Honestly, I can understand. I'm constantly angry at the people he hangs out with because he's sooo good to them and they treat him like trash and he doesn't deserve that. Yeeeet, here I am, treating someone who was there for me when I needed it like he means nothing to me.

But honestly, he doesn't. Chris doesn't mean a thing to me. I'm much closer to Carlos and Mitzy than I can ever be with Chris.

Carlos and Mitzy have helped me through so much over the years. There was a point where I was literally starving but too proud to admit it to anyone and too proud to accept any money or food and Carlos still made me eat with him. They would constantly take me out to eat and Mitzy even bought me a big bag of rice before. They took me out to see different places, always had my back, even paid for my grad night during my senior year and for prom. Both of their parents are so supportive of me as well. Carlos' mom bought me a bassinet for Marisa, Mitzy's parents got me a stroller and the phone that I'm currently using. The three of us are close and will probably always be. Our friendship and loyalty to each other is true and strong.

My friendship with Chris was completely different. He started off as an admirer. He didn't have a crush on me or anything, but he was definitely captivated by my presence and my personality. We first started talking when me and Taylor first got together. He thought I was brilliant and smart and strong, someone he thought he needed to be close to.

Eventually, as my relationship with Taylor went down and I needed someone to talk to, I'd start talking to Chris about all of my problems. He was sweet and listened with genuine concern and he'd try to help me the best he could. Poor guy wasn't very good with words when it came down to helping someone, but that hardly mattered since all I really needed was someone to listen to me.

The problem is, he's always been attracted to me. Never had a crush on me or anything, but was always severely attracted to me regardless. At first, I found no problem with this since...come on...I'm Tephie e.e, but after a while, it DID start to bother me.

I started thinking that his whole friendship with me revolved around him being sexually attracted to me which wasn't a far-fetched idea in my mind. Sometimes he'd call drunk, talk about how sexy I was to him and how he wanted me even if it was just for a night. Talk like that continued towards the end of our friendship and I felt increasingly uncomfortable with him for a long while.

But I stayed his friend because he was also depressed. Clinically so, actually. When I needed him to listen, he was always there and so I felt that I needed to be there for him too during his bouts of sadness and low self-esteem.

When I first got together with Zane and I told him, he wasn't so sure about him (and considering my past with guys, who could blame him). Buuuut it was after the first couple of days when he said that he was "a little jealous for some reason" that I started being a little more distant with him.

Eventually, I started purposefully missing his phone calls. Especially when Zane called.

When Zane told me not to talk to him anymore, I was completely fine with that. I stayed fine with it and would have been fine with it even now.

I guess I'm just not that comfortable around Chris anymore. I don't like how our friendship used to be except for how he helped me when I needed someone to talk to. I didn't like the sound of his voice when I mentioned still being with Zane. I mean, he wasn't mean but it almost sounded like he was a little let down that he and I were still together. He never voiced that opinion and his tone had dropped so slightly that I doubt he knew I caught it. But I know Chris.

I'm fine with him depending on me for someone to make him feel better. It's the least I can do for him after all he's helped me through. But I'm not fine with feeling like he's clinging on to me too much or in a way he shouldn't. And maybe that's why I'm not as friendly and giddy to talk to him. He isn't a bad guy, honestly...but he isn't a person I would fight to keep in my life either.

I would fight for Carlos and Mitzy, always. But for Chris? I mean, I fought for him in my relationship with Taylor...because I needed to. I needed someone to talk to and to escape Taylor. But with Zane that isn't necessary. I don't want to run from Zane. I have Zane to talk to. Although Chris was there for me when I needed him most, I helped him a lot with his problems and depression too.

As far as I'm concerned, he and I are even.